


Lilac

by Caramelquokka0325



Series: Ot8 Family [2]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Changbin learns to be a dad, Child Hyunjin, Child Seungmin, Comfort, Depression, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Father-Son Relationship, Grieving, Multi, Past Character Death, Story follows growth milestones, Unconventional Families, Unwanted child (at first), fluffy and soft, learning to love, mature themes, parenting, pretty sad so be warned!, tags are a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:14:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 26,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28292919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caramelquokka0325/pseuds/Caramelquokka0325
Summary: “He loves you Bin.” Chan smiled softly. “He loves you and trusts you already. You don’t have to win him over because he’s already yours.”“Loves me?” Changbin didn’t bother hiding his shock. “How can he love me? I haven’t done anything even remotely loving to him.”“Yes you have. You’ve fed him and played with him and comforted him.” Chan explained. “It doesn’t take much for a kid.”“I don’t really buy that.” Changbin narrowed his eyes skeptically.“Can you not see the way he looks at you?” Chan asked. “The way he admires you and follows your every move? He treats you like you hung the stars!”“No he doesn’t.” Changbin scoffed.“You just haven’t taken the time to see it.” Chan shook his head. “Maybe if you payed attention to him more, not just his needs.”“I’ll try but… he doesn’t love me.”Chan shook his head with a smile.*Updated once a week!*
Series: Ot8 Family [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1922776
Comments: 80
Kudos: 80





	1. Realization

**Author's Note:**

> This has been sitting in one of my folders for a long time! Every time I need inspiration or am feeling unmotivated, I would write this one. I didn't think it was good enough to post for a long time because it's pretty similar to my Precious one, but I decided I would throw it out there as a gift for Christmas! 
> 
> I know you all have talked about learning a lot from my other works, so I went in-depth with some of the soft kid drama to indulge everyone hehe! I plot the chapters out by how Changbin learns to be a parent and do regular parent things! I will add trigger warnings later on for some intense themes, but nothing will be very bad or descriptive! Other then than, I will put the "milestones" for each chapter here in the notes!
> 
> -Learning bedtimes (an attempt is made)  
> -Going shopping  
> -Feeding  
> -Holding (He's learning)

“The kid is yours unless you plan to revoke your guardianship.”

“I haven’t even spoken to my friend in years! How can I take his kid?”

“Legally you are his guardian…”

When Changbin got a call early in the morning on the weekend, he didn’t expect to have a child dropped on him.

It was tragic, but he had no idea his friend had died until the sister had decided she was done looking after the child he left behind. That left Changbin as the guardian, which he had forgotten he ever approved four years ago.

Things had been different then.

Now he had a child handed over to him that he wasn’t prepared to take. In the span of twenty-four hours, he had to frantically prepare to accept a stranger into his small apartment.

He had to borrow a carseat from his friend Chan just to pick the kid up, and dig through to find all the paperwork he had of being a guardian. In the end, he found out he was able to revoke the guardianship, but it would take time.

He was stuck.

Stuck with a little boy he didn’t even know.

He was a researcher who worked from home. His apartment was fairly small and he lived a modest life. A child did not fit into his lifestyle.

But there they were, having to make it work.

The little boy was small with large eyes and tiny hands and feet. Changbin though he looked like a puppy with the way he gazed up at him curiously. He dressed in a shirt and overalls which were a bit too big because the strap kept falling down.

His name was Seungmin.

It was Changbin’s job to be his guardian for the time being. He would try his best.

“So um… you can sleep in my bed.” Changbin gestured vaguely to the bedroom. “I’ll figure out somewhere permanent for you to sleep later.”

Seungmin stared at him and then tilted his head. It just further strengthened how much he looked like a puppy.

“Come on.” Changbin walked a few steps and then motioned for Seungmin to follow

Seungmin trailed behind him curiously, holding onto his puppy plushie.

“You can sleep here.” Changbin pointed to the bed. “I got you a new toothbrush and pajamas so you can use what you need. And, if you need anything, let me know.”

He had no idea what to do from then on.

Seungmin had been handed over to him with a few personal things but really not too much. He had basically been raised by his aunt anyways as his father pursued less than stellar life choices.

Seungmin rubbed his hand curiously over Changbin’s comforter and poked at his pillow. Then he turned back to him and waited, Changbin wasn’t sure what for.

“I’ll just be honest. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do exactly so… I guess you’ll have to take the lead.” Changbin decided it was best to just be honest with the little boy. “I’m not all that strict, so you can just do your thing.”

Seungmin looked at him blankly.

Changbin scratched his head. He wasn’t sure how much Seungmin was able to process. Did he even know he would be staying there with Changbin semi-long term?

“I’ll let you get settled.” Changbin backed out of the room and closed the door.

Things looked like they would be harder than Changbin expected.

He pushed aside all of his insecurities and confusion for the moment so he could get back to work.

When he worked, he was able to get in his zone. Unfortunately, that meant he forgot to check back in on Seungmin for… hours. Seungmin came to him first.

“Oh-.” Changbin paused what he was doing when Seungmin approached him a bit hesitantly.

“What is it?” Changbin asked.

“I’m hungry.” Seungmin said in a small voice.

“Oh.” Changbin usually ate dinner late at night but Seungmin was on a different schedule than him. “Yeah, I’ll get you something.”

He got up and went to the refrigerator to see what he could find for the little boy. He was met with a practically empty fridge. The pantries had the same fate.

“Hold on a minute.” Changbin retrieved his phone from the table and quickly dialed a familiar number.

“Hey Chan, I have a question.” Changbin said once he picked up.

“Shoot.” Chan replied.

“What do I feed him?” he asked, returning to the kitchen.

Chan laughed over the phone, finding it amusing for some reason.

Chan had been his best friend since they were younger. He was one of the few people Changbin felt he could be candid with.

The best part about Chan, was that he was a good father. It would come in handy as Changbin struggled through the murky water considered parenting.

“It doesn’t have to be anything fancy, just a generally healthy meal.” Chan replied to Changbin’s question as if it was simple.

“So…” Changbin rummaged in his fridge. “I have leftover takeout from that place we went to on Friday.”

“Definitely not that.” Chan vetoed that option. “Also throw that out, I’m sure it’s bad by now.”

“Okay.” Changbin found an unlabeled container of something. “I have a carrot, a little milk and fruit… actually no on the fruit.”

“Changbin-.” Chan’s disapproving sigh was heard through the phone. “Kid food! Like chicken nuggets or noodles or how about a peanut butter and jelly sandwich!”

“I don’t have bread.” Changbin replied flatly.

“Then order takeout for goodness sakes!” Chan groaned. “Just make sure it’s something he’ll eat. Nothing spicy or raw to be on the safe side.”

“Alright. I can do that.” Changbin nodded and looked for his takeout menu of places he could order from.

“And Changbin, next time don’t try to feed him at almost eight o’clock.” Changbin could just imagine Chan’s appalled face.

“Noted. Bye.” Changbin ended the call.

He grabbed the menu and brought it to Seungmin.

“Alright so… tonight we can order something.” Changbin scratched his head. “And I’ll go to the store tomorrow.”

He placed the menu on the coffee table and Seungmin rose onto his knees to look at it.

“Look through it and pick something you like.” Changbin told him. “But make sure it’s not expensive.”

He wasn’t sure if Seungmin understood the concept of something being expensive, but he could always approve his selection.

While Seungmin was looking through the little pamphlet, Changbin found a notepad and thought of what he should buy when he went to the store the next day. For some reason his mind blanked and he couldn’t think of what they might need. He set the list aside and decided he would deal with it when he got to the store.

“I want this.” Seungmin pointed to a picture when Changbin came back to check on him.

“Pizza? Okay, that’s cheap.” Changbin smiled a little. He should have expected this choice from a kid.

He called the number and ordered a pizza. Seungmin sat there, not really having anything to do.

“Why don’t you go play in your room?” Changbin said. “Or my room I guess.”

“Do you have toys?” Seungmin looked up at him with interest.

“No.” Changbin shrugged. “But I’m sure I can find something.”

He went to his room first and found that Seungmin had attempted to unpack. His clothes were shoved into the drawers alongside Changbin’s and his shoes were lined up with his much larger ones in the closet.

“You uh… settled in I guess.” Changbin was bothered by Seungmin’s things being beside his. It made things feel too personal.

He collected Seungmin’s shoes and moved them to the entry space by the door.

“More convenient that way.” Changbin muttered to the little boy.

“Do you have toys?” Seungmin asked again.

He looked through his possessions, hoping to have _something_ Seungmin could use. He ended up being resourceful and grabbed some bowls and utensils from the kitchen.

“You can pretend to make something.” Changbin told him. “Play kitchen.”

Seungmin looked a little confused but he took the items solemnly and sat down to play, or at least attempt to.

After a little while, the pizza arrived. Seungmin seemed relieved to get to do something other than make do with his “toys”. Changbin added some activities to the mental shopping list in his head.

“Alright. We can sit at the table.” Changbin told Seungmin.

Changbin rarely ate at the table. Usually he crashed on the couch after work. He didn’t trust Seungmin not to make a mess if they ate on the couch though.

He had some paper plates in the cupboard and ripped off some paper towels to act as napkins. Seungmin sat in his chair but he could have rested his chin on the table so he got up onto his knees. Changbin got him a pillow so he wouldn’t hurt his knees.

“Do you like this kind of pizza?” Changbin asked, trying to make conversation.

“Uh huh.” Seungmin nodded his head and licked his lips, fully focused on the pizza as Changbin cut it.

Changbin felt guilty as he heard Seungmin’s tummy rumble in anticipation. He hadn’t even fed him lunch when he arrived.

“Here you go.” Changbin set a slice on a plate and handed it to him.

It was kind of big but Seungmin held it with both hands and managed to take a bite. Changbin wanted to laugh at the tiny bite mark he had made yet his mouth was stuffed. He was awfully small.

That thought sent a shiver of uncertainty through Changbin. He was responsible for a little kid now. It was a big deal.

He sat across from Seungmin and ate his food, a massive pizza between them. Changbin was on his second slice when Seungmin was halfway through his.

Seungmin looked at him across the table, sauce smeared on the corners of his mouth and his chubby cheeks full with pizza. Changbin didn’t like seeing his face. It made him feel uncomfortable.

He was like a little puppy, all big eyes and small features. He scrunched up his button nose when he wiped his mouth with a napkin and Changbin noticed how small his fingers were. He had a frightening image in his mind of him accidentally smushing those small fingers in the door or with a heavy object. Everything was so small he would have to be gentle.

Changbin wasn’t used to being gentle. Not that he tried to be rough, but he didn’t know how to protect a fragile little human being.

“Is it good?” he asked.

Seungmin nodded and Changbin imagined if he had floppy ears like a puppy dog poking out of his wavy chestnut hair.

“I’ve gotta work a lot so you’ll have to entertain yourself on your own.” Changbin told him.

He honestly didn’t think Seungmin could fully understand, if at all, what he was saying. He didn’t know how to talk to a kid.

He didn’t know how to take care of him in general. After working a bit more, he remembered to check on Seungmin again. He would have to think of some things Seungmin could do so he wasn’t bored out of his mind.

“Ah…” Changbin found Seungmin sitting on the carpet in the living room with his head laying on the coffee table. Fast asleep.

Changbin ran his hand over his face. It was probably too late for him. He had a bedtime and everything but Changbin was not in tune with anything resembling a schedule. It couldn’t hurt that Seungmin fell asleep when he fell asleep though, right? It was natural that way.

After debating if he should try to put Seungmin in pajamas or not, Changbin decided to put him straight to bed. It was kind of awkward getting him there though. Changbin knew how to hold a baby and how to hold someone if they were heavy, but Seungmin was medium sized. Changbin ended up holding him under his arms and quickly carrying him to his bed.

He didn’t wake up as Changbin set him down or pulled the blanket over him. Maybe he was just a heavy sleeper.

Changbin turned to leave the room but tripped over the bowls and spoons Seungmin had tried to play with. He cursed at the noise but Seungmin only stirred a bit before settling down again. Changbin let out a long breath and picked up the dishes to put them away.

It would be a long couple months for him before he could revoke his guardianship.

-

The next day, Changbin took Seungmin to the store to get necessities. Food, activities and anything else that came to Changbin’s mind.

“Wow…” Changbin was a little overwhelmed by the toy section. Who knew there were so many toys for kids?

Seungmin let go of Changbin’s hand and ran to the first aisle. It was admittedly pretty cute the way Seungmin would hold up a toy to look at with wide eyes and his mouth open like it was a treasure.

Changbin decided he would give him a few minutes to look around. He looked over the prices while he waited.

“There’s no way…” Changbin frowned at the toys.

They were way more expensive than he thought. It seemed like all the cool toys were the priciest.

“Just pick one toy Seungmin.” Changbin grimaced.

“Kay!” Seungmin didn’t seem phased.

Changbin did find some coloring books and crayons for pretty cheap. He threw them in the cart.

“I want this one.” Seungmin returned to Changbin after a few minutes.

It was a puppy dog plushie. When Changbin took it, he was amazed at how soft the fur was. He was impressed.

He was less impressed when he saw the price tag. Maybe the soft fur meant it was worth a fortune.

“This is a rip off.” Changbin handed it back to Seungmin.

“Rip off?” Seungmin frowned.

“It means… I won’t buy it.” Changbin shortened his explanation. “Find something else.”

“But I want this one.” Seungmin hugged it to his chest and gave Changbin sad eyes.

“Find another one.” Changbin shook his head.

Seungmin looked disappointed, but did as he was told. He ended up picking a set of magnetic toys instead.

Changbin’s wallet was deeply wounded when he paid for everything. Who knew kids were so expensive? He hoped he had covered all of the bases on basic necessities. His aching wallet needed a rest.

“You cost me my whole paycheck.” Changbin said as they bagged their items.

Seungmin giggled and smiled, assuming it was a joke or a compliment. Changbin shook his head.

When they headed to their car, Changbin reached down and held Seungmin’s hand. It was only because they were crossing the parking lot. Definitely not because he wanted to feel Seungmin’s smaller hand in his own.

“Now, we go to Chan’s.” Changbin told him as he tried to buckle his carseat he had borrowed from Chan in a panic when he first got the news Seungmin would be coming. He still hadn’t gotten the hang of it fully.

“Chan?” Seungmin asked. “Who is Chan?”

“My friend.” Changbin grunted. The darn buckle seemed to like getting stuck. “He has a little boy your age. Maybe you’ll be friends.”

Changbin was a little wary of introducing Seungmin and Hyunjin. They seemed to be polar opposites. It wasn’t that Hyunjin was a bad kid in any sense. He was just independent, to say the least.

Chan had adopted Hyunjin after him and his wife had been unable to have kids. Hyunjin was a handful but Chan took everything in stride.

When they got there, Hyunjin was already bouncing around excitedly as Chan let them in. Changbin smiled slightly when Hyunjin collided with his leg in an imitation of a hug.

“This is Hyunjin.” Changbin introduced Seungmin.

He waved shyly and reached to put his hand on Changbin’s thigh. He was probably a little timid, but Changbin was sure it would fade away quickly with Hyunjin.

“I like this.” Hyunjin reached out and pulled Seungmin’s plushie out of his grasp suddenly.

“Hey-.” Chan tapped Hyunjin’s shoulder. “You have to ask bud.”

“Can I have this?” Hyunjin asked Seungmin.

Changbin smiled at Hyunjin’s simple directness. It was endearing how blunt he was at times because it was softened by the charm of being a child.

Seungmin didn’t seem so sure. He glanced at Changbin for assistance.

“He can borrow it. How does that sound?” he addressed the slightly confused boy.

“Let’s go play!”

Hyunjin grabbed Seungmin’s hand and ran off, tugging his captive along with him. Just like that, they were probably friends.

“How’s everything going?” Chan asked.

“It’s a disaster!” Changbin whispered dramatically. “I have no idea what to do!”

“Oh, it can’t be that bad!” Chan laughed.

“I’m being serious Chan.”

Chan frowned and motioned for him to sit.

“He needs to be kept busy but I don’t have time in the day. Is he just supposed to sit around my apartment for literally all day?” Changbin asked. “I bought him toys but… you know kids have a short attention span! He’ll be driving me insane in a few days!”

“Has he been… bothering you a lot?” Chan winced at the wording a bit.

“Well… not yet but I know that’s how kids are.” Changbin shrugged. “He’s still shy right now.”

“No, I think you’re right.” Chan affirmed him. “I think he will need more engagement. Have you thought about setting work aside a bit to spend time with him?”

“Ha!” Changbin laughed out loud. “No way! I don’t have time to play with a kid all day! Or even part of the day!”

“There’s always a daycare option.” Chan replied after thinking for a moment. “I can give you the number of the one we occasionally send Hyunjin too.”

“That would be great.” Changbin relaxed back into his seat. “He can stay there all day?”

“For goodness sakes Changbin, he’s not the plague! You can spend _some_ time with him!”

Changbin lifted a shoulder noncommittally. He still didn’t see how he could fit Seungmin into his responsibilities. It would just have to be for the moment.

Chan would probably have talked about Seungmin for hours if Changbin hadn’t steered the conversation somewhere else.

The evening felt different as it passed. Especially since Changbin wasn’t alone.

At some point, Chan let him know it was probably getting a bit late for Seungmin to be out.

He had given Changbin lots of tips to try so Seungmin and him could try living together in a functional way.

They found Seungmin on the couch asleep while Hyunjin played by himself on the carpet.

“He’s asleep.” Chan smiled fondly at him. “You can carry him to the car.”

Changbin nodded and moved to lift him from the couch. He was probably tired from his late night the night before. He slid his hands under his armpits and prepared to waddle walk to the car.

“Stop.” Chan intervened. “Have you not held him?”

“No, I carry him to bed.” Changbin said defensively.

“Not like that.” Chan rolled his eyes. “Hold him like a kid. Here-.”

He carefully lifted Seungmin and then handed him off to Changbin. Changbin wasn’t really sure how to hold him so he wrapped one arm around his back and another under his bottom.

Feeling Seungmin’s full weight resting on him, his warm body pressed up against him was an odd feeling. It was like he was a heater, warming Changbin to the tips of his toes. He had the strange urge to smile.

Chan gently positioned Seungmin’s head so his cheek lay on Changbin’s shoulder. His soft hair brushed up against Changbin’s neck.

“There.” Chan said softly.

It was new. Seungmin pressed up against him, really held in his arms.

“Like a bag of rice.” Changbin said out loud.

“Please don’t treat him like a bag of rice.” Chan winced but laughed a little too. “It’s okay to hold him when he’s awake too. It’s good for a little one to be held.”

“He never asks.” Changbin replied.

“You can just pick him up when you feel like he might need a cuddle.” Chan shrugged. “He’ll give you lots of non-verbal cues.”

Changbin adjusted his grip on Seungmin to be more comfortable.

“I really suck at this, don’t I?” he admitted.

“It’s a learning process.” Chan assured him. “It’s not every day you have a little boy plopped into your life when you’re not prepared.”

“He’s very good Chan.” Changbin felt the urge to tell him. “He’s a very good little boy.”

“He is, isn’t he?” Chan smiled softly and placed his hand on Seungmin’s head for a moment. “You’ll be just fine. If you need anything, I’m always here.”

“Thanks.” Changbin nodded. “I may need your help… a lot.”

“That’s fine.” Chan chuckled and grabbed his phone and keys for him. “I’ll see you later.”

-

The next two days, Changbin tried to balance his work with spending some time with Seungmin. At least until he could get him into daycare.

He was interrupted from clearing away their lunch of simple peanut butter sandwiches when the doorbell rang.

“Hey.” the boy just outside raised his hand and grinned.

Changbin wordlessly let him in.

That was the thing about Changbin. He may be clumsy and not all that emotionally in tune, but he knew when to extend a helping hand. The boy a few doors down who perpetually dressed in hoodies and ripped jeans wasn’t really his type. But it didn’t matter because Changbin had already let him in, hoping to help him out.

The boy was much younger than Changbin. Last year of high school as he had told Changbin. He kicked his shoes off by the door and headed straight to the fridge.

“Wow, you actually have food this time.” he commented before grabbing a drinkable yogurt which Changbin quickly confiscated. They were expensive and he had bought them for Seungmin.

“Don’t just raid the place.” Changbin grumbled, returning the yogurt to the fridge.

“That’s just my charm. Oh-.” Seungmin had appeared, probably drawn by the noise.

“Oh yeah. Jisung, this is Seungmin.” Changbin introduced them.

“Hi there.” Jisung crouched and held his hand out for a greeting high five. Seungmin cautiously pressed his palm against Jisung’s for a moment.

“Are you babysitting?” Jisung asked, tracing over Seungmin’s light up sneakers curiously. Seungmin stepped away.

“Nah, he’s here to stay.” Changbin answered. “He’s mine.”

“I didn’t know you had a kid!” Jisung stood up again, obviously surprised.

“He’s not my kid.” Changbin corrected. “Technically… but he’s my responsibility.”

“Sounds like a long story.” Jisung grinned.

“Yeah kinda.” Changbin shrugged.

“He’s adorable.” Jisung patted Seungmin’s head. “I bet you two have fun together, huh? Is he less boring now?”

Jisung gestured to Changbin. To his shock, Seungmin shrugged.

“He’s boring. But I pick what food I want.” Seungmin said honestly.

“I’m not boring.” Changbin responded but he knew it was a lie. For a kid, he was probably the definition of boring.

“Oh! The truth comes out!” Jisung teased. “What else does he do?”

“He forgot to put me in bed last night.” Seungmin looked at Changbin with his innocent puppy dog eyes and a retort died on Changbin’s tongue. “I sleep on the floor.”

“Ouch… not sure if you can recover from that one.” Jisung winced and shook his head at Changbin.

“What do you want?” Changbin sighed.

Usually Jisung just hung out with him. Most of the time watching TV, sometimes doing homework, and occasionally sleeping on the couch.

“Just came to chill.” Jisung shrugged predictably.

“You can’t watch TV because Seungmin can’t watch adult shows.” Changbin told him.

“You do know there are kid shows, right?” Jisung rolled his eyes.

“If you want to watch them then be my guest.” Changbin huffed. “Don’t ask me for the channel number though.”

Jisung reached down and picked Seungmin up easily as if it was second nature.

“Does he not let you watch cartoons?” he asked Seungmin. “Let’s go catch up on what you missed.”

He patted Seungmin’s tummy and carried him into the living room, leaving Changbin a little stunned. Since when had Jisung been able to just click with kids? Seungmin seemed to warm up to him instantly. Was there some kind of magic charm?

Changbin trailed after them a minute later.

“Do you know anything about kids?” he asked Jisung curiously.

“Of course.” Jisung rolled his eyes. “There’s not much to know.”

“Actually there is a lot to know.” Changbin huffed back. “Taking care of a kid is very hard and very confusing.”

“Seems like you speak from experience.” Jisung had a mischievous glint in his eye as he tucked a blanket around both Seungmin and himself.

“Well aren’t you an expert all of a sudden.” Changbin crossed his arms. “Why don’t you share this knowledge you supposedly have.”

“Just do what feels right.” Jisung shrugged and let Seungmin lean back against him. “The rest follows. It’s just following instinct.”

Changbin glared at him for a good measure. Maybe he just didn’t have the kid instincts.

“He’ll be my little minion.” Jisung said and proudly patted Seungmin’s head.

Jisung was a little odd. He had a sharp edge to him that showed sometimes when his life at home got a little too heavy. But he was always soft deep down. It was no wonder he had a gentle heart for kids.

“What’s your diagnosis?” Changbin asked teasingly after Jisung poked around his apartment to see the slight changes Seungmin had brought.

“First of all, he needs more toys.” Jisung ticked off his fingers.

Seungmin nodded solemnly from beside him.

“He needs his own bed because it can’t be good for your back to sleep on the couch.”

Changbin rolled his eyes.

“He should shower tonight and fall asleep to a bedtime story from you.”

Jisung smiled sweetly at the end.

“Funny.” Changbin crossed his arms. “You think I’m superhuman.”

“I think you have potential.” Jisung tapped his chin thoughtfully.

He crouched to look at Seungmin directly in the eyes.

“If you need anything, or want me to come kick this old man in the pants-.”

“Hey!”

“I’m two doors down. But- I have a walkie talkie which I will bring so you can call me.” Jisung held his pinky out to promise. “You’re my minion now so you’re under my protection.”

Seungmin nodded slowly like he was in awe of the older boy.

“Alright!” Jisung stood and clapped his hands together. “I’m out! I’ll be back tomorrow though so be prepared.”

“I’m locking you out.” Changbin said with no sincerity.

“Love you too!” Jisung pretended to be touched. “But seriously, do what I said. Treat my minion well.”

“I will.” Changbin sighed and closed the door after him.

He took a deep breath before turning to Seungmin.

“I’m guessing you want a shower and bedtime story.” Changbin addressed him.

He nodded hopefully and gave Changbin a small smile.

Changbin set up the shower for Seungmin and left him to wash up on his own.

It seemed to take Seungmin a long time to shower. Maybe he couldn’t reach the bottles on the top shelf of the shower. Changbin chastised himself for not thinking of it, but he assumed that if Seungmin needed something he would call for him.

Before he could worry too much, the water shut off, or partially at least. A minute later, Seungmin came in, his hair dripping on the floor.

“I need help.” he pointed to the bathroom. “The water is too hard.”

“I got it.” Changbin quickly turned off the water fully and grabbed a towel off of the door.

He returned to Seungmin who shivered a little and draped the towel over his head, soaking the excess moisture from his hair.

“I got an owie.” Seungmin pointed to his elbow.

“How did you manage that?” Changbin frowned and looked at the beginnings of a bruise.

“I fell.” Seungmin replied solemnly. “It was slippery.”

“Oh…” Changbin had been worried about that too. “I’ll figure something out.”

Seungmin was still pretty small. Changbin wasn’t sure if he was technically supposed to be showering on his own yet but he didn’t want to ask Chan yet again and have him potentially freak out over his patch job parenting.

“Can you do my hair like-.” Seungmin made a whooshing sound effect.

“I don’t think I follow.” Changbin frowned, still rubbing it with a towel.

“Like this.” Seungmin mimed holding something in his hand and made the same noise.

“Ah! A blow dry.” Changbin was proud of his guessing ability. “Let me check.”

He went into the bathroom and rummaged through his cabinet towards the back. At some point he had a blow-dryer back when he cared a little too much about how he looked. But it was ancient, he wasn’t sure why he kept it.

“I have this.” Changbin returned to his room and plugged it in by the bed. He clicked it on but was met with nothing. Seungmin looked at it curiously.

He crouched down and pressed the restart button and tried again. This time it whirred to life. Changbin felt happy with the achievement.

“Come here.” Changbin sat with his back against the side of his bed and his legs spread out in a V shape. Seungmin excitedly ran over and settled between his legs, back to his front so he could blow dry his damp hair.

Changbin ran his fingers through Seungmin’s hair as he directed the blow-dryer all over his head.

“Ah!” Seungmin covered his head with his hands. “Too hot!”

“Oops, sorry.” Changbin turned down the setting. Babies heads were more sensitive he supposed.

As he dried Seungmin’s soft curls, he slumped back against Changbin, his hands resting on his thighs.

Changbin faltered for a moment. It was a bit strange to realize that he had a little person in his care. It was daunting.

“Story time?” Seungmin asked when he shut off the dryer.

“Uh… no I don’t really do that.” Changbin shook his head.

Seungmin looked disappointed.

“I’ll let you play with your coloring book.” Changbin compromised. “There are stickers in the back, isn’t that fun?”

Seungmin nodded, realizing he had another option.

He began to play for a bit while Changbin tried to gather himself after a long day. He was already stressing over his work piling up and it was setting him on edge.

“Okay, time for bed.” Changbin said, realizing it was getting pretty late.

“I don’t want to go to bed.” Seungmin replied, carefully placing another sticker.

“Well, it’s time so… come on.” Changbin motioned for him to come.

He was met with silence. Seungmin didn’t move a bit, still focusing on what he was doing. He was sitting at the coffee table in the living room with his coloring book in front of him.

“Hey Seungmin.” Changbin tried being direct but he was flat out ignored.

Changbin sighed. Seungmin hadn’t really been defiant before. It wasn’t something he knew how to handle. He was supposed to lay down the law he assumed. Be in charge.

“Go to bed now.” he said sternly.

To his shock, Seungmin starting humming away, blatantly ignoring him.

“I see what you’re doing.” Changbin huffed. “You think you can ignore me but that doesn’t work on me. You’re going to bed whether you like it or not.”

He didn’t like that Seungmin was ignoring him and continuing to add stickers to his page. It was disrespectful and disobedient.

“I’ll take this.” Changbin pulled the book away from him suddenly.

“Hey!” Seungmin gasped.

“You don’t get this until tomorrow morning.” Changbin held it up. “You have to sleep. To earn it.”

Kids needed positive reinforcement Changbin had heard.

“Give it back!” Seungmin stood up and jumped to try and take it from his hand.

“Nope. It’s mine now because you aren’t listening.” Changbin held it out of reach.

“Please?” Seungmin pressed his hands together, trying to act cute.

“Sleep first.” Changbin reiterated.

“I don’t wanna sleep!” Seungmin crossed his arms and pouted.

“Too bad. You have to.” Changbin pointed to the bedroom. “Go and brush your teeth.”

Seungmin promptly sat down, indicating he wasn’t moving anywhere. Changbin wanted to pull his hair in frustration. How could a little child be so stubborn?

“If you don’t do what I say right now then… no toys for the rest of the week!” Changbin threatened.

Seungmin just glared at him. Maybe it was an unrealistic punishment but Changbin was angry and he was running out of ideas.

“I’ll come back in three minutes. If you aren’t in bed then you’re in big trouble.” Changbin warned him before going to the kitchen.

He let out a long breath once he was away from Seungmin. He thought it would be easy for him to just use a commanding tone and then have Seungmin listen to him. It made him aggravated that suddenly Seungmin was disobeying.

When he came back into the living room, Seungmin was sitting on the couch, reading a book. The only book Changbin had with pictures that he kept on the coffee table.

“No.” Changbin said harshly, making Seungmin startle a little. “No reading when I told you to go to bed.”

Seungmin looked back at his book, a frown appearing on his face again.

“Can’t you just- listen?!” Changbin clenched his fists. “You’re being bad! Very bad!”

Seungmin stared at him, making him feel stupid for being worked up when Seungmin was just sitting there. He cocked his head in the way that always made Changbin melt but not tonight. His innocent eyes just made Changbin more frustrated.

“Fine. I don’t care.” Changbin waved his hand through the air. “You can stay up all night, see if I do anything about it. But you’re being very bad and will have lots of consequences in the morning.”

He stalked into his bedroom and slammed the door. He fumed for a little bit, angry at Seungmin. Angry at himself. Very confused and lost on how to handle the situation.

He decided the best thing to do was consult the person who had the most experience.

He called Chan.

When he picked up, he sounded tired and a little bit busy.

“Hey Bin, what’s up?” his yawn carried through the phone and honestly Changbin could relate.

“I’m having a hard time over here.” Changbin said, letting irritation permeate his tone.

“Oh? What’s wrong?” Chan asked. “I’m assuming something with Seungmin because it’s late for you to be calling me. I’m heading to bed right now.”

“That’s my problem.” Changbin paced back and forth in the room. “He won’t go to bed!”

“Aw man, that’s rough.” Chan replied.

“Who knew he could be such a little brat!” Changbin snapped.

“Don’t call him a brat.” Chan chastised him automatically.

“Well he kinda is one right now.” Changbin argued back. “He won’t listen to anything I say! Even when I tell him he will get a punishment.”

“Did you try easing him into the bedtime routine?” Chan asked, rustling around sounding on the other end of the phone.

“He doesn’t even have a routine!” Changbin leaned his forehead against the wall, thoroughly defeated. “I just told him he better listen or else.”

“That sounds lovely.” Chan said sarcastically. “How did you communicate that?”

“I just told him to stop being bad or he would have a big consequence tomorrow, not that I have anything in mind…” Changbin groaned.

“Did you say he was being bad?” Chan oddly focused on that part.

“Um yeah, I said stop being bad or you’ll be disciplined.” Changbin replied.

“Ah Changbin…” Chan groaned on his side of the phone separating them. “You don’t ever call a child bad.”

“But he’s literally-.”

“Doesn’t matter.” Chan cut him off. “The worst thing for a child to internalize is that they are _bad_.”

“Great! Make me feel like a terrible person.” Changbin grumbled. “This has just been a mess and I get it. I don’t know what I’m doing!”

“It’s easy to fix.” Chan consoled him. “Calm down first and then go out there and love on him a little. Soften him up so you can coax him to brush his teeth, maybe read a story or make up something fun to get him into bed.”

“Well that’s easy in theory.” Changbin argued. “You’re that kind of dad. I am not.”

“I have a feeling he’ll be easy to convince.” Chan persisted. “Comfort him first though.”

“Why am I comforting him?” Changbin frowned.

“Did you or did you not snap at him?” Chan sounded exasperated. “You said he was being bad. That’s enough to hurt a kid’s feelings.”

“I don’t see why.” Changbin mumbled. “I’m going to go out there and he’s going to ignore me again.”

“Listen, tell him you love him, the argument is over and you’ll get ready for bed with him. That simple.” Chan wrapped it up concisely.

“Say I love him?” Changbin got caught up on the first step.

“Yes Bin. Because he’s probably feeling sad. It’s-.” Chan paused for a moment. “Bin…”

“What?” Changbin asked.

“Do you love him?”

Changbin felt like he had been hit with a solid block of ice. It was such an intense question and he just froze up.

Time stretched on and Changbin stood there, his mouth open but no words there.

“How can I love a kid that was just dumped on me?”

It was a genuine question. One that Changbin wished Chan could answer for him. How could he love Seungmin when he still barely even knew him? What did it even look like to love him? Was he capable of that?

“You chose this.” Chan’s voice was serious and he sounded almost… sad. “I don’t care if you don’t love the kid, just don’t ever make him _feel_ unloved. I’ll never forgive you if you do.”

Changbin wanted to respond somehow but he didn’t have words. This situation suddenly felt much more serious. Chan hung up before Changbin could come up with a response.

He sat for a long few minutes, feeling hollow inside. All the anger had drained out of him. He was left feeling hopelessly guilty. He felt sorry for Seungmin. He hadn’t asked for this either. He was such a good kid and Changbin had gone and blown up at him over one thing.

After commiserating for a moment longer, Changbin dragged himself up to go to Seungmin.

The little boy was sitting on the couch, the book he was reading earlier cast aside. He was half laying on a pillow but sat up when Changbin came in.

“Um…” Changbin still wasn’t really sure what to say. “I kinda got angry but I didn’t mean it. The things I said I mean…”

Seungmin stared at him for a moment and then looked down, fiddling with the corner of the pillow.

“Yeah, so…” Changbin approached and sat next to him. “I’m sorry.”

Seungmin raised his head to look at him and Changbin’s heart sunk seeing his glossy eyes. He sniffled and Changbin panicked a little internally. He was never good in a situation where people were crying, especially when it was a kid.

“I can help you brush your teeth and we can read a story or something.” Changbin tried to do as Chan instructed.

“I miss my daddy.” Seungmin told him, his bottom lip trembling dangerously.

Changbin just stared at him, not sure what to say.

Seungmin’s face screwed up and he started to cry. Changbin awkwardly reached out and patted his shoulder comfortingly. Seungmin took in little gasps of air in between crying like his heart was utterly broken.

Changbin felt like his heart was breaking seeing him wipe away his tears with small fingers, but more tears just kept coming. Chan’s words rose to the forefront of his mind again.

_Do you love him?_

Did loving someone mean you couldn’t bear to see them cry? Did it mean it hurt to see them sad?

Seungmin grasped Changbin’s hand with his own and guided it to his chest, wrapping his arms around his hand and hugging it close like it was his only source of comfort. That was what finally broke Changbin. He couldn’t handle seeing Seungmin crying and hugging his hand like it was the best comfort he could get.

_Don’t ever make him feel unloved._

“Come here puppy…” the name rolled off of Changbin’s lips naturally and he pulled his hand away from Seungmin.

Instead he grabbed a hold of Seungmin and pulled him onto his lap, wrapping him up in a hug. Seungmin outright sobbed against his shoulder.

Tears and snot made Changbin’s neck slick where Seungmin pressed his face against him but he didn’t mind. Maybe he would have any other time, but now he would handle anything for Seungmin.

Changbin held him snugly in his arms, Seungmin’s head laying on his shoulder and his legs on either side of his waist. His hands curled and uncurled in Changbin’s sweater like he was trying to pull himself closer.

It took Changbin a few moments to realize _he_ was crying. He was crying for the little boy in his arms who was deeply sad and hurting. Changbin had given him the bare minimum and expected him to survive and then snapped at him when he felt like breaking down.

Changbin shakily pressed a kiss to Seungmin’s shoulder. He never kissed someone like that. He wanted Seungmin to feel his care and concern through the small action.

“I’m sorry.” Changbin said softly. “I’m so sorry.”

Seungmin took in a hitched breath and wrapped one arm around Changbin’s neck.

“I won’t go anywhere.” Changbin felt the need to assure him. “I’ll stay right here and take care of you. I’ll be better. I promise.”

Seungmin sniffled, slowly losing energy and relaxing against Changbin more.

It didn’t feel right to talk to Seungmin then. Not that there was much to say. The little boy just needed comfort. And sleep.

Changbin carried him as he was into the bedroom, pushing the blankets back and easing himself down slowly in the dark. He lay on his back with Seungmin still cradled to his chest. He drew the blanket over them, one arm still holding Seungmin close.

“I’ll stay with you.” Changbin whispered to the little boy quickly sliding into sleep. “It’s okay now.”

It didn’t seem fair that either of them had to suffer through the current situation, but there was nothing to remedy it.

Changbin may be eager to revoke his guardianship, but he would do the best he could for the time that Seungmin was in his care.

Because in the end, Seungmin was his responsibility. He would make sure he didn’t mess it up.


	2. Acceptance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm a day late yikes! I decided I was going to go for it and take out a whole character POV which meant I had to rewrite 3 chapters in one day to make sure it all made sense! Here is chapter two! Its honestly one of my favorites even though we haven't hit conflict yet, because it's a lot of fluffiness! Changbin begins to accept that he is really Seungmin's caretaker and then goes a step forward to embrace his role. It may still seem slow, but he's trying his best!
> 
> For this chapter we have:  
> Washing  
> Playing  
> Rewarding good behavior  
> Comforting  
> Sleeping (together again)

At some point in the next two weeks, Changbin finally hit his own breaking point. He called Chan and basically demanded that he take Seungmin for the day.

He would have dropped him off and left, but Chan stopped him. He forced him to sit and talk about how he was feeling. Torture for Changbin of course, but it was Chan’s price for babysitting Seungmin.

“What’s making this so hard for you?” Chan asked.

“What do you think?” Changbin groaned. “Literally everything!”

“Well then, where do ‘everything’ come from.” Chan tried to rephrase.”

It made Changbin pause and think because Chan wouldn’t accept a halfway answer.

“It’s hard because I don’t feel like I’ve done anything right. It all becomes a mess when I’m involved.”

A little bit of tension eased from his shoulders at the admission.

“I’ve never… had a good dad.” Changbin admitted. “I never knew what it was like to have someone who _actually_ cared.”

Chan nodded understandingly.

“I’ve done everything on my own, since I was young. And now-.” Changbin pressed his hands together tightly. “I see Seungmin being independent like me and- I don’t want him to have to be like me.”

“Mmm…” Chan hummed. “What does that look like for you?”

“I expect him to like, get his own meals, have his own bedtime, even be able to entertain himself for… hours!” Changbin’s heart sank more just talking about it. “I know it’s my fault but I just can’t change it because I _don’t_ know how! I don’t know how to do these things for him because no one has ever done them for me.”

“That’s perfectly valid that you are feeling that way. And it’s good you recognize it.” Chan told him.

“I’m so confused half of the time and I don’t want to do something wrong, but I don’t know what I’m doing at all!” Changbin continued. “I don’t want to mess him up like what happened to me.”

“First of all,” Chan stopped him. “You are not messed up.”

Changbin rolled his eyes.

“No. Hear this.” Chan persisted. “Just the fact that you are being intentional, and want to do better than you were treated, shows how much you’ve grown from where you were.”

“I’m still not good enough.” Changbin replied, still stuck in his negative mindset.

“You’re growing Bin.” Chan smiled. “It’s a process. Nothing happens overnight, right?”

“It seemed to be overnight for you.” Changbin grumbled. “You were like, the perfect dad since Hyunjin was born.”

“But I prepared for _ages_ leading up to us even deciding to adopt.” Chan corrected him. “I think I read more parenting books then any father needed to. I almost _passed out_ when Hyunjin arrived I was so nervous!”

Changbin smiled at the mental image.

“I made a lot of mistakes along the way. Too many to count.” Chan assured him.

“But they didn’t seem to matter because you’re such a fun dad now.” Changbin argued back. “You’re silly and fun and you just innately know how a kid ticks!”

“Not every parent is the same.” Chan smiled at him. “It doesn’t matter that your parenting style is different. You have one of the easiest, sweetest, most happy go lucky kids ever.”

“That’s what scares me!” Changbin stressed. “I don’t want to ruin him!”

“You would have to do a lot to ruin him.” Chan laughed. “You have a kid with the best quality possible along for the ride with you.”

“What?” Changbin frowned.

“He _loves_ you Bin.” Chan smiled softly. “He loves you and trusts you already. You don’t have to win him over because he’s already yours.”

“Loves me?” Changbin didn’t bother hiding his shock. “How can he love me? I haven’t done anything even remotely loving to him.”

“Yes you have. You’ve fed him and played with him and comforted him.” Chan explained. “It doesn’t take much for a kid.”

“I don’t really buy that.” Changbin narrowed his eyes skeptically.

“Can you not see the way he looks at you?” Chan asked. “The way he admires you and follows your every move? He treats you like you hung the stars!”

“No he doesn’t.” Changbin scoffed.

“You just haven’t taken the time to see it.” Chan shook his head. “Maybe if you payed attention to _him_ more, not just his needs.”

“I’ll try but… he doesn’t love me.” Changbin scratched his head.

Chan shook his head with a smile.

“Then what do you think I should do?” Changbin asked. “How do I figure all this parenting stuff out?”

“You’re already halfway there.” Chan told him. “Just be the parent you always wanted as a child. And if you don’t know what that looks like, then figure it out as you go.”

“It will be hard…” Changbin winced.

“Yep.”

“And I’ll make a lot of mistakes…” he bit his lip again.

“Yep.”

“And I probably still won’t know if what I am doing is right or wrong half the time.”

“But you’ll keep going because you’re doing your very best and that’s what matters the most.” Chan reminded him.

“Okay.” Changbin nodded once. “I-I’ll try my best.”

It was hard to come to terms with the fact that he would have to make consistent, intentional effort with Seungmin. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to, it was just hard to imagine.

“Why don’t we take our boys on a walk?” Chan stood up. “I need to tire Hyunjin out so he sleeps tonight.”

Changbin was lucky he could learn a lot of parenting tricks from Chan.

Chan was amazing with Hyunjin. They sang songs in the car together, he played with Hyunjin in the backyard, and even read him a story every night. It felt like he was superman in disguise.

“Are your shoes tied?” Chan asked the two little boys before they went out on their walk.

Seungmin crouched down and tried his best to tie his shoes. It looked like a strange bird’s nest. Chan saved the day when he noticed he was struggling.

“Let’s go!”

Seungmin followed after Chan with wide eyes. He probably thought Chan was the coolest. For some reason, it made Changbin bothered. He wished they could reverse places.

After a little while, Chan held Hyunjin’s hand. Seungmin took note of the action and drifted closer to Changbin.

It was a nice day, not too warm but not too chilly either.

A small, warm hand slid cautiously into Changbin’s. It surprised him a little and he pulled his hand away instinctively. He looked down to see Seungmin staring up at him.

_The way he looks at you._

Changbin stared back at Seungmin for a moment. Wide brown puppy dog eyes stared back at him, hopeful and… dare he say, admiring?

“Please?” Seungmin asked, still holding his hand out.

Changbin was aware that Chan was watching them. Changbin felt stupid for pulling his hand away now.

He cleared his throat and looked away, enclosing Seungmin’s small hand in his larger one. He noticed the way Seungmin skipped a little as they started walking again.

It was a scary feeling to acknowledge that not only did Seungmin rely on Changbin for his basic needs, but his emotional needs as well.

The thought weighed heavily on his mind until later that night. He was a little out of it as he helped Seungmin get ready for bed.

Seungmin’s clothes had found their space in Changbin’s drawers, small and large sizes placed together. Changbin picked out Seungmin’s softest pajamas tonight.

“Will you sleep with me?” Seungmin asked as he pushed his arms through his pajama sleeves.

“Not tonight.” Changbin replied tiredly.

“I’m lonely.” Seungmin tried to convince him.

“I’m sorry bud, I have work to do.” Changbin rested his hand on his head for a moment.

Seungmin nodded and let it go. He was such an easy to please kid. Changbin supposed he was grateful.

He sat on the couch for a while, staring at the black TV screen for a long time.

After a while of letting his mind spin in circles, Changbin retrieved his blankets and his pillow and settled in for bed. He didn’t want to think any longer.

He was woken up not too much later by a little hand lifting his arm. He felt, rather than saw Seungmin wiggle his way onto the couch next to him. He tucked himself under Changbin’s arm and pulled the blanket up so he was cocooned in his warm embrace.

Changbin hesitated before getting up to bring Seungmin back to his bed. One night couldn’t hurt surely.

He tucked his arm around Seungmin and pressed his hand to his soft belly to tuck him closer. Seungmin sighed sleepily, his head fitting perfectly under Changbin’s chin.

Wrapped up together on the couch, Changbin worked through his emotions with difficulty. He didn’t know if he had ever received physical affection from his own father in the same way. He stopped seeking it out after some point far too early on.

He didn’t want Seungmin to end up being the same as him. He didn’t want the little boy to be pushed away and left alone like he had been.

He hated how hard it was to extend his hand though. It wasn’t easy to be the person he wished he had. It had never been modeled to him.

It was an expansive, frightening feeling to realize Seungmin was young, sensitive and impressionable. Changbin had the power to shape his life depending on his actions. If he wasn’t careful, he could damage Seungmin just as he felt he had been.

He didn’t miss the way Seungmin reacted when he was pushed away. He felt sick sometimes seeing Seungmin sitting all alone for hours in the day as Changbin worked. It was like seeing a reflection of himself. One that he hated.

Old habits were hard to break though.

\--

“You are so messy…” Changbin observed as Seungmin repeatedly missed his mouth, or sloshed his spoon so milk or cereal splattered onto the table.

Seungmin looked at him innocently. His spoon was clutched in his fist, probably limiting his mobility. Changbin wasn’t sure how to correct it.

“I’m full.” Seungmin said after a few more bites and pushed his bowl away.

“There’s so much left though.” Changbin pointed out.

Seungmin looked into his bowl curiously as if he had no idea why he poured that much cereal for himself.

“Well at least put it in the sink.” Changbin sighed.

Seungmin slid off of his chair, holding his bowl against his chest. Some more milk sloshed onto the floor.

“Oops.” Seungmin looked at the mess and then stepped around it. Changbin pressed his hand to his face.

It was like Seungmin was a disaster waiting to happen. He couldn’t reach to the sink so he reached up and balanced his bowl on the edge, trying to tip it in.

“Hey- don’t-.” Changbin couldn’t stop him before the bowl clattered into the sink. Hopefully it hadn’t broken.

“I did it.” Seungmin turned around and showed his empty hands.

“Yeah you did.” Changbin sighed.

He would have to add a step stool onto his ever-growing list of things to buy to make his apartment kid proof. He would probably need one for the bathroom too since the top of Seungmin’s head didn’t clear any of the taller surfaces.

He looked back at his phone, almost wishing he was working out somewhere that day so he didn’t have to be home with Seungmin. It was a mean thought but it was easier to plop him down in daycare then to keep him from tearing up the house.

Seungmin seemed to have thoroughly explored since he opened up the cabinet under the sink and pulled out paper towels.

“What are you doing with those?” Changbin asked suspiciously.

“I will clean my mess.” Seungmin explained, struggling to rip off a few sheets.

He dropped a few paper towels onto the milk on the floor and patted it up. Then he climbed back onto his chair and wiped the table. He didn’t do the best job, but it was kind of impressive for a kid.

“What a strange little guy…” Changbin murmured to himself. He took back what he had said about Seungmin being messy. At least he cleaned his mess.

Once Seungmin put the paper towels back, he went to Changbin and put his hands on his thigh. Changbin ignored him for a moment until Seungmin reached up and tapped his arm.

“What do you need?” Changbin asked.

“Can you play with me?” Seungmin leaned against him and tilted his head, smiling brightly.

Changbin swore Seungmin knew just how cute he was and used it to his advantage. He acted so darn charming to get what he wanted.

“I’m kinda busy with work…” Changbin replied.

“I’m being very good.” Seungmin reminded him. “And I cleaned up so I can play now.”

Changbin got the feeling Seungmin was used to being good and getting something in return. Well, Changbin didn’t have much to give.

“I’ll play with you for a bit and then I have to work.” Changbin agreed.

“Yay!” Seungmin clapped his hands together excitedly. He ran off to the living room and Changbin returned to his phone.

After a moment, Seungmin returned to find him.

“Come on!” he said, waving his hand in a motion that meant to follow him.

“Not right now.” Changbin replied. “I’ll play in a few minutes.”

Seungmin let out a frustrated breath but went away again.

Changbin didn’t really want to play with Seungmin. He had a long list of things he had pushed aside and now he had committed to playing of all things. He didn’t know how to play with a kid.

When he was a kid, no one had played with him. He had grown out of it pretty fast so his memory was rusty.

Seungmin still only had a few toys. His coloring book, his magnetic connectors, and his plushies. He had set up his animals in a small line on the couch and was coloring in his coloring book next to them.

When Changbin joined him, he threw his crayon aside hastily and handed him a dinosaur plushie.

“This is yours.” Seungmin beamed at him.

“Thanks…” Changbin sat next to him and held the dinosaur awkwardly.

Seungmin had brought along with him three toys. One of which was his puppy plushie which looked more and more worn every day.

Changbin realized quickly that Seungmin led the playtime. His mouth never stopped moving as he made their plushies talk or explained what they were doing. Changbin barely interacted, but Seungmin built a whole story from his imagination without any help.

Changbin paid attention to every fleeting touch from his hand, on his hand or arm, guiding him this way or that. Seungmin would sometimes ask him questions and light up when he got a response.

“We’re going to the store.” Changbin suddenly blurted out, interrupting them.

Seungmin blinked at him curiously.

Changbin stood and headed into his bedroom. He returned with one of Seungmin’s jackets.

“Going to store?” Seungmin scrambled up.

“Yep.” Changbin nodded with determination. “Get your shoes on.”

Playing with Seungmin did something to his wavering heart. It reminded Changbin how much Seungmin was just a kid. He deserved to live his life like a kid.

When they got to the store, Changbin shopped with determination. He filled his cart with abandon, not holding back for sake of being thrifty. He went up and down the aisles with Seungmin in mind.

When they got to the toy section, Changbin remembered the puppy Seungmin had his eyes on last time. He picked it up without Seungmin noticing and added other things he seemed interested in.

When they paid, he didn’t stress the total. He didn’t comment to Seungmin about it.

He held Seungmin’s hand as they headed back to their car.

He waited until they were back at home to give Seungmin his puppy. He held it out to him before dinner.

“This is for you.”

All of a sudden, Changbin’s confidence blew away. He held out the plushie without looking directly at Seungmin.

“Mine?” he gasped.

He grabbed the puppy in his small hands and wrapped his arms tightly around it. He rubbed his cheek on its soft fur and pet its ears.

“I got it because… you were being good.” Changbin cleared his throat. “Not bothering me when I was working… going to bed on time… those things.”

Seungmin jumped up and down while squeezing his new toy excitedly.

“I’m glad you like it.” Changbin grinned.

“Thank you!” Seungmin hugged Changbin’s legs tightly.

“You’re welcome.” Changbin patted his head.

“Soft…” Seungmin drew back and pet the puppy appreciatively.

It made Changbin’s heart squeeze seeing him be so excited over a simple toy. It felt good but a touch sad at the same time. It made him want to buy a hundred puppies for Seungmin.

It was hard to detach Seungmin from his new toy once he had it. Now he carried his old puppy and the new one in both arms.

Changbin had to convince him to tuck the plushies into bed to “sleep”, so he could get Seungmin in the bath. He had picked up some things at the store after he stalked Chan’s bathroom and saw all of Hyunjin’s hygiene products were kid versions.

“This time we can take a shower together.” Changbin said a bit awkwardly. “Since you’re too little still…”

“Okay!” Seungmin started to wiggle out of his sweater. “Can we use the new bubbles?”

“Yeah, we’ll wash up with our new stuff.” Changbin turned on the water.

Seungmin was quick to kick off his clothes. Changbin hesitated a moment before undressing. It felt kind of intimate, like he was actually Seungmin’s dad. It was weird to do things parents typically did that Changbin didn’t think he ever would.

Seungmin didn’t seem phased in the slightest though.

“Wait-.” Changbin stopped him from stepping into the shower. “Your socks.”

Seungmin looked down and giggled. He had almost got in with his socks on. He plopped down again and pulled them off.

“Okay, in you go.” Changbin let Seungmin hold his hand as he stepped into the shower.

Seungmin reached his hand out to cautiously feel the water before getting all the way in.

“Is it warm enough?” Changbin checked. “Not too hot?”

“It’s warm.” Seungmin nodded and stepped under the water.

The water wet his hair and made it stream over his forehead and into his eyes. He looked up at Changbin and giggled, proud of himself.

“You silly.” Changbin allowed him before reaching for body wash. “Here.”

Seungmin cupped his hands together and held them out for Changbin to drizzle the soap onto. A light, fruity smell filled up the shower and Changbin double checked the bottle. The kid shampoo creators knew their business apparently.

Changbin moved Seungmin out of the water slightly with a touch to his shoulder so he could wash. Seungmin rubbed his hands together furiously and then rubbed the suds he had created over himself. Changbin watched his clumsy movements curiously while washing himself.

When Seungmin turned his back to him it took him a moment to catch on. He gathered some soap from his shoulder and rubbed over his back where Seungmin couldn’t reach.

“You are very thorough.” Changbin nodded.

“Move please.” Seungmin pushed at Changbin’s thigh so he would switch places.

Once he had rinsed off, Changbin reached for the new kid shampoo he had bought too.

“This one is…strawberry and peach.” he told Seungmin. “Your character is on it.”

He tilted the bottle so Seungmin could see the carton puppy he liked to watch on TV. Seungmin’s mouth made an O shape appreciatively.

Changbin let him hold the bottle and inspect it as he rubbed the shampoo into his hair. It was kind of fun. He never washed someone else’s hair before but it was so soft and didn’t tangle when Changbin ran his fingers through it. He indulged himself with styling Seungmin a bubble mohawk. It flopped over because Seungmin’s hair was too long but it still looked cute.

“Eyes closed.” Changbin directed him to tilt his head back and washed away all the suds.

“I want to do yours!” Seungmin reached up and held onto his wrist when Changbin reached for his own shampoo.

“Uh… you can’t reach.” Changbin reminded him.

Maybe Changbin was getting a little soft. He knelt on the hard shower floor so Seungmin could reach to rub at his hair. Seungmin giggled, trying to get Changbin’s hair to stick up too.

Changbin let him play for a bit before rinsing out and finishing them off with conditioner.

“All clean!” Seungmin raised his hands up when they were done. Changbin had a strange urge to squish his chubby cheeks but he resisted.

He rubbed Seungmin down with a towel and then draped it over his head while he did the same to himself. Seungmin pulled the edges together and crouched on the floor so he looked like a little bean, only his head peeking out.

“I’m glad you like shower time.” Changbin said out loud. He couldn’t imagine if he had resisted.

He helped Seungmin into his pajamas and dressed himself in sweats and a loose shirt.

“Can I have a snack?” Seungmin asked, even though they had just had dinner.

“Yeah, I guess that’s fine.” Changbin nodded.

“Hold me.” Seungmin held up his arms. When Changbin hesitated for a moment he added a please.

Changbin was getting better at holding Seungmin. Now he could balance him on his hip and hold him secure with one arm. That’s what he did as they headed to the kitchen but detoured when the doorbell rang.

Changbin opened it expecting Jisung but instead was met with Chan.

“Well hello there!” Chan greeted Seungmin first, reaching out and tickling up his side.

Seungmin squeaked and crashed against Changbin, his head bonking his chin.

“Oof-.” Changbin tilted his head and stepped aside so Chan could come in. He set Seungmin down after closing the door. The little boy promptly ran off somewhere.

“Look at you.” Chan smiled appreciatively. “Already showered, pajamas on, and I hope fed too… and it’s before a decent bedtime!”

“Maybe I got the hang of it.” Changbin shrugged, rumpling his damp hair.

Seungmin came charging back into the room, stopping in front of Chan and holding up his puppy dog plushie.

“Look what Binnie got me!” he said excitedly.

“Oh my goodness, a puppy?!” Chan replied enthusiastically. “He’s so fluffy!”

“I got it because I was very good.” Seungmin nodded and hugged it to his chest.

“You are very good!” Chan brushed his fingers across his cheek and then turned to Changbin and gave him an impressed look. Changbin shrugged and looked away shyly.

“I actually stopped by because you were on the way home from my meeting.” Chan explained. “I was wondering if you wanted to join us for dinner tomorrow?”

“What do you think?” Changbin leaned on the arm of the couch and looked at Seungmin. “Do you want to have dinner with Hyunjin?”

“Yes!” Seungmin bounced up and down excitedly.

“Sounds great!” Chan nodded. “Well, I won’t disturb your evening. Just message me what time you’ll be coming.”

“I will.” Changbin walked him to the door.

Chan patted his back and smiled widely at him. Changbin felt like he was getting the hang of things a little more.

Unfortunately, two steps forward meant one step back.

They had a setback at Chan’s house the next evening.

Everything was going well until Seungmin came to Changbin with a quivering lip and watery eyes.

“What’s wrong?” Changbin froze where he was sitting on the couch with Chan.

In response, Seungmin sank to his knees on the floor and pressed his face into Changbin’s lap, starting to sniffle.

“Uh…” Changbin patted Seungmin’s back, not sure what to do.

He kept his face buried against Changbin’s thigh, making it damp as he cried.

Chan snapped his fingers to get Changbin’s attention and then mimed picking him up.

“Oh yeah-.” Changbin blushed at his cluelessness.

He lifted Seungmin up, surprised at his deadweight and lay him down against his chest. Seungmin’s head fit comfortably against his shoulder as he hiccupped.

He was reminded of when he held Seungmin the night he had gotten angry at him for not going to bed. He had been just as sad then but not nearly as much as he seemed now.

“I-I’ll take him outside.” Changbin stood with Seungmin supported in his arms as his cries didn’t quiet down.

Chan nodded and gestured towards the backyard.

Changbin wasn’t sure how to soothe him. He just held him as he cried and cried.

“I want my daddy.” Seungmin whimpered over and over again, truly wounding Changbin to the core. He now understood that the worst feeling in the world was when your child was hurting.

Over an hour passed of Changbin alternating between sitting with Seungmin outside, to walking him around and bouncing him slightly. He wondered how Seungmin had tears left to cry. He started to shiver with the strain he was putting on his little body.

Chan came out after a while, hoping to help.

“Do you want me to take him for a bit?” he checked.

Seungmin whined and shook his head, clinging onto Changbin.

“I’m okay but…” Changbin tried to speak without using his words to Chan.

He was so worried about Seungmin. No child should have to be so distressed. He was crying like his world was ending.

“Come inside where it’s warmer.” Chan directed him. “We’ll take it slow.”

When Changbin sat on the couch, Chan passed him a blanket. Changbin wanted to wrap it around Seungmin but he wouldn’t detach from him enough for it to work. He just draped it over the two of them.

Chan sat across from them. His expression was so sad that Changbin had to look away.

“I uh…” Changbin stopped and cleared his throat. “I don’t want him to get sick.”

He was worried Seungmin was tearing himself apart as he shook and whined in his arms.

“We’ll keep an eye on him together.” Chan assured him.

“Daddy.” Seungmin mumbled. “Want daddy.”

The collar of Changbin’s shirt was damp, Seungmin chewing on it for some reason. It was like his mind couldn’t handle what he was processing so he needed the simplest of comforts.

“He’s never been like this.” Changbin told Chan. “I-Is something wrong? Did I do something?”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” Chan placed his hand on knee. “He’s grieving Bin…”

Changbin frowned slightly. It was such a strange concept that a child had the capacity to grieve. It was too vast and despairing and emotion for a little kid to handle. It made him wrap his arms a little tighter around Seungmin.

“He hasn’t had space to be sad.” Chan told him. “He’s living a whole new life. I think he only feels the space to really grieve and be sad when he’s in a familiar situation.”

It made sense. Surely Seungmin used to spend time with friends often, and eat with people, laugh with people. It probably let him slip back into his old mindset which was where most of his longing and sadness was.

“I don’t want him to hurt.” Changbin bit his lip hard, trying to hold back his own tears.

“I know, but you have to let him.” Chan nodded. “He’s processing same as we do, it’s just harder on his little mind.”

“What do I do?”

“You just love on him.”

Changbin wasn’t sure if he could.

“I don’t think-.” he started to argue.

“You already do Bin. Just embrace it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you didn't notice, this is going to be 5 chapters which is pretty short compared to what I usually write! It's kind of like my short story that ends up being way too many words! If you are reading, thanks so much! I'm glad to have a space where I can try new things and be creative!<3


	3. Developing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Already over halfway done oh my gosh! Usually my stories are longer so I'm already feeling sad about letting this one end! This one may be my favorite that I have written so far tbh!  
> Poor Seungmin gets yelled at a lot in this so... be warned. Changbin is working through his temper while hitting obstacles. Also Changbin has a lot of self-deprecating thoughts which should not be mistaken for me saying his character is bad! He is just trying to figure out how he feels about his own actions and behaviors. I finally added in Minho and Felix, and Jeongin is not mentioned by name yet but he is coming!  
> AND! I did as much research as possible for the legal aspect of this, but if I made a mistake you can let me know or just let it slide for the sake of the story! >.<
> 
> TW: Unhealthy relational behaviors, Legal separation, Curse words (It's comedic?)
> 
> Resolving conflict  
> Comforting  
> Praising

Life with Seungmin was so different.

It was a good different, but definitely a lot for Changbin to handle.

Every day was packed full of cleaning up messes, finding entertainment, making meals, putting to bed. It was a whirlwind of tasks and chores for Changbin to keep track off.

At the end of the day, he was exhausted. Luckily, he had started sleeping next to Seungmin in bed instead of on the couch. It just seemed like he could never get enough sleep.

“Beep boop beep.” Seungmin poked the controls on the dishwasher as Changbin prepared yet another late dinner.

Changbin usually would have laughed as he made the sound effect for the water whooshing through, but he was utterly drained.

He felt defeated as he warmed up their dinner of premade chicken nuggets. He threw on some raw carrots and grapes, hoping Seungmin would eat them even though they weren’t cut into small pieces.

“Come to the table.” he said on an exhale as he grabbed their plates.

Seungmin stopped playing with the dishwasher of all things and followed him to eat.

“Yucky.” Seungmin took one bite and pushed his plate away.

“Eat what you get and don’t throw a fit.” Changbin quoted something he had heard Chan say to Hyunjin.

The chicken nuggets were pretty bad. Changbin lost his appetite after a few bites. Seungmin poked at his grapes and carrots and then slid off his chair.

“Get back here and eat.” Changbin said halfheartedly to Seungmin as he ran past out of the room.

He was too tired to try to corral him. It was just one of those long nights.

“I saved this for you!”

Changbin lifted his head from his hands to see Seungmin holding up a granola bar.

“Hyunjin traded with me but I saved it for you but now we can share.” Seungmin said in one breath as he struggled to open the packaging.

“You’re putting me to shame.” Changbin sighed.

He took a small bite and then handed it to Changbin. Usually, the germ freak in him would turn away the granola bar but he didn’t find himself caring with Seungmin. He grimaced at the thought that he was like a true parent.

“Thanks puppy.” Changbin handed the granola bar back.

He couldn’t send Seungmin to bed with a few bites of nuggets and granola bar. It felt like straight up abuse.

“I’m going to order us something.” Changbin stood and grabbed his phone to order in.

He went to the bedroom to call and then lay back on his bed for a moment. It was great to just take a moment of rest.

Unfortunately, more than a moment was robbed from his as he drifted off there on the bed.

He was woken up by Seungmin shaking his arm.

“I’m up.” Changbin mumbled as he sat up blearily.

“The food man went- ding dong!” Seungmin told him. “He did ding dong a lot but I couldn’t open the door.”

“Don’t open the door for a stranger.” Changbin reminded him as he shuffled to retrieve their food.

“I told him to wait because I had to wake you up.” Seungmin informed Changbin as they headed to the door.

“Great… thanks.” Changbin winced. Now even the delivery man was aware that Changbin was leaving Seungmin unattended while he had an impromptu nap.

Changbin accepted the food and paid with Seungmin holding onto his leg. The delivery man commented how cute Seungmin was and it was new to Changbin. It was like the puppy effect but with a little human.

“Let’s eat!” Changbin tried to shake off his lingering sleepiness as he headed to the kitchen. Until his sock touched something wet.

The kitchen area was covered in soapy water, almost reaching the carpet. More leaked from the dishwasher and the growing disaster.

“Shit!” Changbin dropped the pizza on the table and lunged for the dishwasher.

He snapped the cover shut since it was slightly open and hit drain. Then he stepped over the water to run to the bathroom for towels.

“It’s an oopsy?” Seungmin followed him curiously.

“Yes! A big oopsy!” Changbin snapped back as he grabbed every towel they had.

When he returned to the kitchen the water had started soaking into the carpet.

“Damn it!” Changbin threw down towels and began to soak up the mess.

The whole kitchen smelled like lemon soap.

“It spilled.” Seungmin stated the obvious.

“Yeah it spilled!” Changbin snapped back. “You pressed the button to run eight loads without the lid shut all the way!”

Luckily the water could be soaked up by his towels but it could have been worse.

“This is the last thing I need tonight!” Changbin slapped his hand down on one of the towels.

It took a while to clean up. And a while for Changbin’s heated temper to subside.

He wasn’t in the mood to eat anymore. He watched Seungmin eat without a care in the world. He wished he could be that young and carefree.

“Yummy.” Seungmin informed him, kicking his feet back and forth under the table.

“I’m glad…” Changbin sighed.

He reached over to wipe Seungmin’s mouth with a napkin. It was a reflex at that point.

“I think it’s time.”

Seungmin didn’t acknowledge him, focused on pulling off a piece of pepperoni.

Changbin knew he had been procrastinating on working on the legal part of his guardianship. It was complicated and he wasn’t sure what would happen. He just knew that Seungmin needed a permanent home. One where he was treated well.

He decided he would work on it that night.

First, he had to get Seungmin ready for bed. They had their routine down almost perfectly at that point.

“Alright, teeth first.” Changbin handed Seungmin his toothbrush. “Hold it for me.”

Seungmin held his toothbrush in both hands so Changbin could squeeze some paste out onto it.

Seungmin was less then well-coordinated though. As he turned it towards his mouth the toothpaste slid off of Seungmin’s toothbrush and fell with a splat on the floor.

“Shit.”

Changbin snapped his head towards Seungmin so fast it ached.

“What did you say?”

“Shit.” Seungmin replied innocently. “I spilled.”

Changbin realized Seungmin must have picked it up from him when he had panicked over the dishwasher earlier.

“Seungmin- okay.” Changbin took a deep breath and then crouched so Seungmin was a little taller than him on his stool.

“I said a bad word because I was… frustrated. But you can’t say that, okay?”

“Why not?” Seungmin cocked his head.

“It’s not a very nice word.” Changbin made a sad face. “Even if you are angry or frustrated, you should learn not to say it.”

“You said a mean word?” Seungmin pointed at him like he was confused.

“Yes, I did. And I’m sorry.” Changbin touched his shoulders. “Can you forgive me and… not say it again?”

“I won’t say it.” Seungmin looked up at him solemnly. “Am I in trouble?”

“No, you’re not in trouble.” Changbin sighed. “It’s my fault.”

Everything felt like it was Changbin’s fault. Any tiny decision Seungmin made was dependent on him. It was a lot of responsibility. One he didn’t believe he had the capability to carry.

That night, Changbin set up an appointment to get things sorted with his guardianship. On the weekend, he went to meet with someone who specialized in such cases and would work with him to resolve it.

He had to bring Seungmin along since he didn’t have anyone to watch him. It felt a little strange bringing him to such a meeting, but he didn’t have much of a choice. The person he was meeting with was a facilitator for family law and would be helping him review his forms and such before going before a judge.

“Changbin?”

When his name was called in the office waiting area, he was unsure what to do with Seungmin. He stood and looked between the man and Seungmin, not sure what to do.

“Oh! Is this Seungmin?” the man put on a friendly tone, making Seungmin look up in interest.

“Uh yeah- I’m sorry. I had to bring him.” Changbin apologized.

“Oh that’s just fine.” his concern was waved away. “Hey bud! How are you?”

Seungmin waved his hand shyly.

“Introductions first.” he offered his hand to Changbin. “I’m Felix. Nice to meet you.”

“Changbin. Nice to meet you too.”

“Why don’t you come into my office and we can talk more in depth.” Felix gestured into his office. “Seungmin can stay out here or with us, whichever you prefer.”

Seungmin got the hint and quickly scrambled up, grabbing his backpack and then Changbin’s hand.

“Inside it is!” Felix smiled warmly at Seungmin.

He made sure the little boy was comfortable in one of the chairs before getting down to business with Changbin.

“I was under the impression that you needed help with forms for termination of guardianship, correct?” Felix asked.

“Um, yes.” Changbin ran his hands over his thighs nervously.

“Let’s go through the process today and get you started.” Felix pulled out a sheet of paper. “You are probably aware that you will need to appear in court and the judge has the final say on your petition.”

“I’m aware.” Changbin nodded.

“First you will complete forms for the court, your petition for termination, notice of hearing, etcetera, and then bring them to me and I will review them.” Felix explained. “From there I will make sure things are in order and then you can move into filing them.”

Changbin just nodded along, a bit lost in the process.

“The way it will work is that the court will then notify the people who received a notice back when the case first started. The court will determine if there is anyone who will take your place as a guardian, or if he will be given to the state.”

Changbin lingered on the last part.

“Is there any way to make sure he doesn’t end up lost in the system?” he asked. “I would prefer he went to a new home right away.”

“That would be up to the judge.” Felix shook his head. “If no one is found that could be his guardian then that is the next step… Do you know any of his family members that would take him?”

“No… His aunt already passed him to me.”

“I see…” Felix considered for a moment. “Well, we can do some work on our end to see if there is anyone before we even file. That would probably be the best-case scenario. Unless you feel you are not in a position to take care of him and would prefer to do this quickly.”

“No… It’s not financial reasons.” Changbin bit his lip. “I’m just- not a dad. I can’t do this and wasn’t prepared.”

Felix studied him for a moment.

“I will give you fair warning that the court usually puts priority on termination if the guardian is unfit in some way, such as financially unstable, or mentally incompetent. It may be harder to argue for termination based on what you _want._ ”

“I don’t believe he is living a good life with me.” Changbin argued.

“Are you having trouble providing?” Felix pressed, probably trying to understand the root of the problem. “Or are you perhaps… inclined to unhealthy behavior around him.”

“No, no.” Changbin didn’t want him to get the wrong impression. “I don’t like… hurt him or anything. I just can’t do anything right. He shouldn’t have to live my life.”

Changbin could tell Felix looked skeptical, but he overlooked it for the sake of professionalism.

“Alright, well I will provide you with the needed forms and you can get working on those while we both look into relatives or close friends he might have.” Felix motioned between the two of them to show it was a joint effort.

Changbin nodded his thanks. He knew it was a long shot. Even though he was a terrible guardian, he didn’t fit into any of the typical boxes that would pass for termination.

Felix wished him well though and gave him plenty of pointers.

As soon as they got home, Changbin got to work. He set Seungmin up in front of the TV and began filling out his forms.

At some point, Jisung barged in like usual and snuggled up with Seungmin on the couch.

“We’re hungry!” he called out around dinnertime.

“Don’t just yell at me for food!” Changbin yelled back. “You’ll teach him bad manners!”

Jisung wandered in a minute later with Seungmin held piggyback style.

“I heard this puppy’s tummy rumble.” Jisung informed him.

“Are you hungry?” Changbin asked Seungmin directly.

He just an energetic nod in response.

“Order something in.” Changbin waved them away. “I don’t really care. Just make it cheap!”

“Nice!” Jisung let Seungmin down and went to find the phone.

Seungmin went to Changbin and placed his hand on his thighs like he did when he wanted something. Changbin refused to look down into his puppy dog eyes.

“What are you doing?”

Changbin tensed. There was no way he could explain what he was doing to Seungmin.

“Just work.”

“Can I do it too?” Seungmin tried to climb onto his lap.

“No.” Changbin moved him off a bit more forcefully then he meant to.

Immediately he felt bad, so he patted Seungmin’s head and gave him a smile.

He ran off to find Jisung, leaving Changbin to work in peace.

Something still felt wrong though. It felt wrong that Seungmin didn’t know what he was doing to him. For him really. Would he have an opinion if he knew?

After a while, he set his papers aside and wen to grab a glass of water. When he came back it was Jisung who was thumbing through them.

Changbin’s heart sank when Jisung looked at him with something close to disgust on his face.

“What?” it came out harshly.

“You’re… giving him up?”

“Don’t mess with my stuff.” Changbin replied defensively.

“Why would you do that?” Jisung continued. “He’s _your_ responsibility. Why are you trying to get out of it?”

Changbin realized Seungmin was in the living room which meant he could hear everything if he was paying attention. Changbin grabbed Jisung’s arm and pulled him into his room.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Jisung snapped at him and jerked away.

“Don’t act like you know what it would be like.” Changbin snapped back. “That’s not my kid and never will be. He shouldn’t be stuck with me.”

“Stuck with you?” Jisung scoffed. “He’s- a blessing!”

“You’re right! He is!” Changbin countered. “That’s why I don’t want to ruin him!”

“I just don’t get your thought process for… _this_.” Jisung waved vaguely around.

“It’s a lot to carry.” Changbin responded. “I-I know it’s not right for me to keep him.”

“You know?” Jisung looked at him skeptically.

“My dad.” Changbin let some of the tension bleed from his shoulders. “He’s not… right in the head. Wasn’t when I was a kid either. That’s why…”

Jisung stared at him for a long moment.

“Why I am the way I am with Seungmin.” Changbin cleared his throat slightly and turned his head away more.

“H-How so?” Jisung continued to push.

“I swore I would never have kids.” Changbin replied after a bit. “I promised myself I would never… let a child feel what it’s like to have a terrible father.”

“You aren’t a terrible father.” Jisung’s voice lacked the aggression it did a moment ago.

“I’m doing the bare minimum, if that.” Changbin laughed with no emotion. “I look at him and can only think… at least I didn’t hit him.”

Jisung pursed his lips, feeling the weight of the conversation same as Changbin.

“I’m a flawed person.” Changbin sighed and looked down at his hands. “I’m not kind, or noble, or even selfless. I carry his shadow around constantly.”

“Your father isn’t you though!”

“You don’t understand… I never know when I might take it too far, or snap on him. It’s too much of a risk.”

“You could never.” Jisung said stubbornly.

“I already have!” Changbin argued back. “I have not been a good father to him!”

Jisung stayed quiet.

“Please try to understand this from my point of view.” Changbin pleaded. “If I’m sure of anything, I’m sure of this.”

Changbin didn’t expect tears from Jisung. He should have seen it coming though with how much the boy had bonded with Seungmin over the past few weeks. He roughly pushed past Changbin without letting them fall and he could hear the door to the apartment click shut after a moment.

He felt defeated.

When he finally came out of his room, Seungmin was at the kitchen table, on his knees on the chair so he could reach.

Changbin watched him quietly for a moment before realizing what he was doing.

“What are you-.” Changbin felt anger snap through him hot and fast.

The forms he had worked so hard on had been destroyed under Seungmin’s doodles and scribbles. The pen he had set aside was held in Seungmin’s hand.

“I’m helping.” Seungmin pointed at the papers.

“I told you no!” Changbin snapped. “What didn’t you understand?”

“I drew flowers.” Seungmin replied, unphased. “I made it pretty.”

Changbin stalked over and snatched the papers away from him.

“You did something very bad.” Changbin narrowly avoided calling him bad. “I told you no earlier.”

“Oops…” Seungmin whispered, his eyes wide.

“Not oops!” Changbin seethed. “These are official documents you just ruined! Now I have to do them all over again!”

Seungmin stared, probably not sure what he did.

“I can’t believe I have to live with you!” Changbin clenched his hands into fists. “You’re so-.”

He huffed angrily.

“This is why I need you- somewhere else! Anywhere else!”

He left Seungmin at the table and went to his room. He shut the door and locked it, more to protect Seungmin from more of his anger.

He forced himself to calm down by taking deep breaths and reminding himself that he would be able to fix it.

He came out after about a half hour. He found Seungmin in the kitchen, supplies on the counter for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Seungmin had pushed a chair up to the counter and was standing on it so he could reach.

As Changbin watched, he clumsily tried to spread peanut butter on the bread. His fingers got messy so he licked them clean and wiped them on his shirt. Changbin winced, but he knew it was because he had failed to get Seungmin something to eat. Jisung must not have completed his takeout order before he left.

Seungmin turned around when he noticed he was there.

“Look at you…” Changbin sighed tiredly but Seungmin must have taken it as disappointment because his eyes became glossy with tears.

“No puppy. You did a good job.” Changbin reached out and gently touched his cheek. “You’ve been so good and I’ve been… the worst.”

“I made you a sandwich.” Seungmin held the sloppy sandwich as a peace offering.

“Can I… hug you?” Changbin suddenly asked.

Chan had said it was good to hold him, but he wanted to comfort himself in the moment.

Seungmin nodded and reached out for Changbin.

“You’re just a baby, aren’t you?” Changbin spoke out loud.

He pressed his nose against Seungmin’s shoulder, holding him safely in his arms. He didn’t care if Seungmin’s sticky fingers tangled in his shirt. He just wanted to express his regret through his actions.

“You don’t have to do anything to make up for it.” Changbin told him. “You shouldn’t feel bad. That’s my job.”

“Binnie is mad at me?” Seungmin checked.

“No I’m not mad.” Changbin rubbed his back. “I promise.”

He was so angry at himself. He had just told Jisung how worried he was that he would snap on Seungmin and hurt him and then he had gone and done so.

He helped Seungmin make another sandwich and they sat and ate together. The wonderful thing about Seungmin was that he was resilient. He moved on quickly, making Changbin feel better about what had happened. He still knew it was wrong, but he realized his apology had made a difference.

The next day, he had more drive to do what needed to be done.

The first thing he did was search through his contacts for a number he hadn’t dialed in forever. It was his friend’s brother that he went to. It was an odd situation because he had been adopted and cut ties with the family as much as possible after he could move out of the house. But at least he knew the two had been closest before things went downhill.

“Hello?”

“Uh… hi. Is this Minho?” Changbin asked awkwardly.

“Yes. Who is calling?”

“Changbin. You probably don’t remember me but… I was your brother’s friend.”

There was silence for a long enough pace of time that Minho thought he had hung up.

“If you’re calling to ask for money, don’t come to me.” Minho responded in a cold tone.

“No! No, not at all!” Changbin quickly assured him. “I was calling for another reason.”

Minho hummed, indicating he should continue.

“I’m the person who took Seungmin. H-His kid.”

Again, a heavy silence.

“What are you calling for?” his voice sounded calm again. “Is everything okay?”

“Seungmin is fine but… I was actually calling in hopes of talking to you about your relatives.”

“I don’t associate myself with that family anymore.”

“I know- and I’m so sorry to ask but… I’m ending my guardianship and I’m having a hard time finding somewhere for him to go.” Changbin winced at how it sounded.

“Listen, I’m at work right now, but I think I get the gist of what you’re saying. The kid needs someplace to take him in, right?”

“Yes.”

“I feel for the kid, I really do. But I haven’t been in contact with those family members in years. I don’t think I can be of much help…”

“Oh… okay, I’m sorry for bothering you.” Changbin felt depressed by the dropped lead.

“Actually, I’ll tell you what.” Minho stopped him. “I know Seungmin. Back before… things got bad; I would see him. I actually saw him only a month or two before.”

Changbin perked up at that.

“If you wanted to meet up sometime this week, I can give you info of the friends and relatives who are out there.” Minho said graciously.

“Thank you so much.” Changbin replied sincerely. “That would be amazing.”

\--

On Monday, Changbin got Seungmin ready to go to meet with Minho. He had forewarned Minho that he would be bringing the little boy and didn’t want his purpose to be obvious as of yet.

“We’re going to the park?” Seungmin asked as Changbin helped him tug a shirt over his head.

“Yep. We’re going to meet a friend.”

“My friend?” Seungmin asked curiously.

“Uh… I don’t know.” Changbin answered honestly.

He took his time brushing Seungmin’s hair. For some reason, it calmed his nerves a little bit. When he was done, Seungmin took the brush and put it back in his drawer. His drawer had all the little things that were his, including little plastic clips that he had insisted Changbin buy for him and loved putting in his hair.

Changbin grabbed on a whim. He tucked some of Seungmin’s hair back and pinned it in place.

“Cute.” he commented.

Seungmin stood on his tiptoes to look at himself in the mirror. When he did, his body pressed against the open drawer and pushed it shut, right on his fingers.

“Careful!” Changbin winced.

Seeing Seungmin’s eyes fill up with tears and his breath hitch hit Changbin square in the chest.

“Oh puppy, I know it’s an owie.” Changbin brought his fingers up to his lips and pressed gentle kisses to them.

Seungmin still cried, his other hand reaching out for Changbin. He pulled the little boy into a hug, keeping his hand out of the way.

“Ouchie.” Changbin felt for him as he rubbed his back. “I’m sorry.”

Seungmin looking at him with watery eyes and a pink dusted nose unlocked something deep in Changbin’s heart that rose up uncontrollably sometimes.

“You’re so brave.” he told him gently. “I’m so proud of you.”

He was. He was so proud of Seungmin for being so brave through everything he had been through. He had been hit incredibly hard even though he was just a child.

He leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to his damp cheeks, and then the tip of his nose, and his eyelids with wet eyelashes. He lingered when he pressed his lips to his forehead, sending a silent prayer up for protection over the little boy.

“You’re such a _good_ little boy.” Changbin told him sincerely. “You’re so very good for me.”

It was a bit excessive for a smashed finger, but words suddenly came that Changbin had meant to say many times earlier.

After comforting him for a bit longer, they were on their way. Changbin felt shaken. Something inside of him roared up protectively over Seungmin. It felt too intimate and caring.

Minho was waiting for them at the park when they arrived.

Changbin didn’t expect Seungmin to light up as soon as he saw Minho. He quickly yanked his hand out of Changbin’s grasp and ran to him.

Minho crouched and absorbed his high-speed hug with open arms, lifting him up in his arms as Seungmin giggled.

“Hiya pup!” Minho gave him a squeeze. “Long time no see!”

Changbin was surprised at the nickname. They seemed awfully close.

Minho greeted him as he drew near.

“I remember you.” he smiled warmly. “You came over a few times. The best friend, right?”

“Yep. That’s me.” Changbin grinned back.

“It’s been a while.”

The comment held a lot of weight that didn’t need to be unpacked.

“You’re getting so big!” Minho complimented Seungmin. “Looks like you’ll be taller than me soon!”

“I’m growing big!” Seungmin raised his hand high.

Changbin and Minho both laughed at how cute he was and then moved to sit down at one of the benches.

They chatted for a while, just catching up, until Minho brought up the big question.

“Why do you want to give him up?”

Changbin glanced at Seungmin who was swinging back and forth on the swings.

“I’m not equipped to take him. For many reasons.” It was a simple answer. “I tried for a bit but… it’s just not working out.”

“Hmm…” Minho nodded and hummed. “My… brother made a lot of bad decisions in his life. Unfortunately it’s other people who have to deal with the consequences.”

“Seungmin is one of the good things he did.” Changbin smiled gently. “But yeah… It’s a responsibility I can’t manage.”

“I’ll help you any way I can.” Minho told him. “I have a kid of my own, so I know what it’s like to want the best for them.”

“Oh really? When did that happen?”

“When I moved out, I totally disconnected from the family, as you know.” Minho started. “I went to school, started working and… eventually I feel in love. I’m married now and we have a little boy. He’s two years old.”

“Wow…” Changbin replied. “That’s really great.”

“Yeah. For a time I didn’t think my life could ever be like that.” Minho stared off, the wind rumpling his hair. “Just shows how much people can change.”

Changbin nodded his agreement. Minho had changed a lot in his eyes. He was a man now, one with a family and a full life.

“I will do what I can to help Seungmin out.” Minho smiled. “He deserves a life that turns out well, like I got.”

“Thank you…” Changbin murmured.

It was true. People could change. It was apparent with Minho. He had been adopted into the family but never fit with them. Somehow, he had been able to go out and make a full life for himself.

A part of Changbin wished he could say the same about his story, but he had no defining feature or experience that pushed him towards that. That was why Seungmin needed to go to someone else.

That night, Changbin made Seungmin the dinner he requested. He played with him after and tucked him into bed with a story. He found the motivation to do so from Minho. He would give Seungmin the best he could while he still had him.

Two more days passed.

Changbin get new forms from Felix and filled them out. He held off on filing them yet because he was waiting on Minho to give him an idea of who Seungmin might go to.

The day after they were completed, Changbin got a call from Minho in the evening.

“Hey.” Changbin answered. “What’s up?”

“I just wanted to tell you something.” Minho said in what sounded like a rushed voice.

“O-okay…”

“You’re looking for someone to take Seungmin, right?”

“Yeah.” Changbin nodded.

“I was thinking a lot a-and talking with my family and…”

Minho laughed for a moment.

“I’ll take him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is anyone surprised? I really should have brought Minho in around chapter 2, but I ended up writing so so much, I decided to break up the chapters this way instead! Towards the end, I had a moment where I talked about Minho changing and Changbin said he didn't have such a moment but... do you think that's true? Changbin has grown a lot since day one huh? He has setbacks, but he is becoming more and more attached to Seungmin and in tune with his needs!
> 
> Side Note: Some of you are probably thinking that this story is an awful lot like my other story Precious. It wasn't my intention but maybe it is! If so, I apologize hehe... idk if it ruins the story, but I sure hope not!


	4. Decisions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! I'm posting earlier than usual because I want to wrap this one up and get back to working on some of my other unfinished ones! Jeongin comes in finally! And Binnie finally hears "I love you"!! I should stop before I spoil too much! Enjoy!
> 
> TW: mentions of death/heaven
> 
> Brushing teeth  
> Making friends  
> Playing together  
> "I love you"  
> Caretaking while sick

Changbin didn’t find himself to be much of a party guy, but once a year, some of his buddies got together to grab drinks or do something chill.

This year, one of his friends had invited them all over to his place for a party celebrating one of his achievements. Changbin had agreed to go, but he had to bring Seungmin along. Usually he was the only one who didn’t have a kid, but now he was part of the group. Yet he still felt like a bit of an outsider.

His friends made jokes about being dads and talked about some of the defining moments for them in the past few months. Changbin’s experience was so different. He didn’t fit in. A part of him wanted to fit in while another didn’t.

The conversation shifted over time and soon they were talking about random things close to midnight. Some of his friends were getting progressively more drunk and Changbin was starting to feel a bit tired.

Until reality hit Changbin like a brick. There he was sharing a couple drinks with friends and enjoying a late night, while he had left Seungmin to fend for himself. He straight up didn’t even know where he was.

“Hold on- I gotta find my kid.” Changbin set down his bottle and set off to find the little boy.

“What an idiot!” Changbin berated himself under his breath.

He had only one responsibility and he couldn’t even manage that.

“Hey- have you seen a kid around? About this tall…” Changbin asked one of his friend’s guests. He was given a head shake in response.

Changbin checked through the main rooms before panic set in.

A terrible memory replayed in his mind of a time when _he_ had been the child forgotten at a party like this. His father had been too drunk to even look for Changbin.

“I can find him. I can find him.” Changbin repeated like a mantra.

He checked the bathrooms and then began to open random doors with no concern for privacy.

Finally, he came upon one of the last rooms. The door was already open. It was a study with a desk in the center of the room and bookshelves around.

Next to one of the bookshelves was a small boy with a book in his lap. It looked like an encyclopedia of some sort with pictures. Of course Seungmin found the book with pictures. There were a few others scattered around.

Changbin let out a long breath of relief.

“Found you puppy.” he approached him only to get no response.

Seungmin seemed to have fallen asleep sitting there, his head down and hands still resting on the book.

Changbin carefully removed the book from his lap and set it aside. He didn’t bother tidying up, instead lifting Seungmin into his arms and deciding to leave right away. It wasn’t fair that Seungmin had to tag along somewhere so late at night.

He realized how different his life was now with a child.

He had a playdate the next day with Minho and Jeongin. Changbin strangely found himself enjoying it more than even being with his friends.

It was the first time Seungmin was meeting Jeongin, Minho’s son.

“This is Jeongin.” Minho patted the little boy’s head.

He was hiding behind Minho’s leg, curious eyes peeking back out at Seungmin.

“He’s small. Is he a baby?” Seungmin blurted out.

Minho laughed hard at that.

“What are you talking about? You’re a baby too.” Changbin grinned and patted his back.

“No, I’m big!” Seungmin frowned back at him.

“He is two.” Minho told Seungmin. “So yes, still a baby.”

“Do you want to play?” Seungmin reached out to Jeongin.

The smaller boy was shy, hiding behind Minho’s leg and avoiding him.

“How about we play with the trains?” Minho asked Jeongin. “Can you show Seungmin?”

Jeongin just stared, so Minho went and set them up to play.

“You have a nice place.” Changbin admired the backyard as they sat in the dining room.

“Thanks. Took a lot of renovating and stuff, but now it’s fixed up the way we want it.” Minho handed him a glass of juice.

“So…” Changbin swirled his glass. “Are you still serious about taking Seungmin?”

“Yep. Even though I’m not blood, I’m technically family you know?”

“Yeah I was just wondering if he would be a burden.” Changbin winced.

“To be honest, we can’t have any more children ourselves so we had thought Jeongin would be it. But deep down we wanted more. Here we are… kind of a cliché destiny moment!”

“How do you manage to just, take him without worrying?” Changbin was confused. He knew what a big responsibility kids were.

“I guess it’s because I’ve already had one of my own. Kids are a handful, but a blessing.” Minho shrugged. “I wouldn’t even consider him a burden.”

“Ah… I see.” Changbin took a sip of his juice. Maybe he was the only one struggling.

“But hey, let’s take it slow. Why don’t you see how Seungmin does with us for a bit and then you can decide if I’m a good fit for him.”

Changbin already felt like they were a perfect fit. Minho was the fun dad. One who had his life in order. And Jeongin was an adorable playmate. But he didn’t say any of that out loud.

“What’s up bud?” They were interrupted by Jeongin coming in with tears running down his cheeks. He hid his face against Minho’s side.

“Should I…” Changbin trailed off.

“Nah, he’s a bit sensitive.” Minho smiled at him.

“Jeongin! You can play with this one!” Seungmin ran in with a train in his hand.

“That’s very nice pup!” Minho grinned at him. “He’ll come back in a minute.”

Changbin watched the three of them interact. It was so natural and comfortable.

“Anyways…” Minho smiled as the two of them ran off together, Seungmin pulling Jeongin along behind him. “Just let me know how things go.”

“I will.” Changbin nodded.

When they got back home, Changbin had to catch up on some work he missed.

One email caught his attention over the others.

It was a company name that was achingly familiar. One he had set his sights on when he was young and had hoped to work for over the span of years.

He had applied, but never made it to the next step. Apparently, they must have reviewed their past applicants because the email was asking him for an interview. They had seen his work and wanted to learn more about him.

Changbin pumped his fist in silent victory. It had been quite literally years of him working towards this company. It had been his dream job for as long as he could remember. Now they wanted an interview? The day couldn’t get any better.

His first instinct was to look around for Seungmin. He wanted to share his excitement with the little boy.

“Guess what?” Changbin found him in the living room, drawing in one of his blank coloring pads.

“What?” Seungmin looked up with interest.

“I…” Changbin wasn’t sure if Seungmin would find what he said exciting. “I’m just really happy today!”

He sat down next to Seungmin and pulled him into a hug. He tried not to squeeze too hard, but got a little gasp anyways.

“What should we do?” Changbin asked him. “We can do anything tonight to celebrate!”

“Anything?” Seungmin’s eyes grew wide.

“Yep! We need some happy news to celebrate!” Changbin couldn’t stop smiling. He was sure he looked goofy, but Seungmin never minded.

“Can we go to the park?” Seungmin stood up and placed his hands on Changbin’s shoulders, looking at his face so closely that he went a little cross-eyed.

“Yeah, why not!” Changbin tickled under his arms, making him squeal and move away.

A second later, Seungmin was crawling back onto his lap.

“How long will you be happy?” Seungmin asked.

“Until the news wears off. Hopefully it’s not anytime soon!” Changbin patted his cheeks.

“I like when you’re happy.” Seungmin told him.

“Me too.”

They headed to the park before it got too late. It was empty, just the two of them.

Changbin pushed Seungmin on the swings, and then helped him do the monkey bars. Then he sat and let Seungmin play on his own on the play structure.

He kept returning to the pole that the older kids usually slid down.

“I wanna get down!” Seungmin called to him.

“Use the stairs!” Changbin called back.

Seungmin glanced behind him and then shook his head and pointed down the pole.

Changbin pushed himself up and went to help him.

“Jump and I’ll catch you.” he reached his arms up.

“No.” Seungmin shook his head. “I wanna do that.”

He pointed at the pole. He wanted Changbin to held him slide down.

“Okay, well I can’t help you from up there, you have to come down a bit and I will put you on it.” Changbin explained.

“I’m scared.” Seungmin pouted nervously.

“Then use the stairs!”

Seungmin considered his options and then reached out and grabbed the pole with one hand. Not the situation Changbin really wanted. He tried to position himself in case he fell.

“Okay, put your leg around it next.”

Seungmin did as he was told, awfully brave considering he was so small.

“Now your arm. And then you will slide and I’ll catch you.” Changbin kept his arms up to catch him.

Seungmin froze, not sure if he wanted to continue but he had no choice now. He reached for the pole and squeaked when he slid down a foot or so before Changbin held onto his waist, stopping halfway down.

“I did it!” Seungmin gasped.

“Yep! Wanna slide the rest of the way down?” It was only a short distance, but felt big to Seungmin.

Changbin helped him slide down until his feet hit the ground.

“Good job!” he gave him a high five.

“No more.” Seungmin shook his head, making Changbin laugh.

“Okay cutie.”

When Seungmin reached up for him, Changbin was happy to hold him.

“Are you done?”

“Not yet.” Seungmin replied even though he went limp in Changbin’s arms like he was tired. He rested his chin on his shoulder. It made Changbin happy, he couldn’t explain why.

“Is papa in heaven?”

Changbin’s steps faltered as he walked with Seungmin.

“Who told you that?” Maybe not the best response, but it was the first thing that popped into Changbin’s mind.

“Auntie told me daddy was in heaven.” Seungmin replied. “That’s why I don’t see him anymore.”

“Um…” Changbin faltered. He was never good in these situations. “Yeah. He’s in heaven.”

“Is he going to come back?” Seungmin asked so hopefully it made Changbin want to cry right there.

“No puppy. He’s not coming back…”

“Why?”

How were you supposed to tell a kid their parent was gone? Changbin had no idea. He was sure someone like Chan or Minho would have a good response. If only he could call them and ask them. But he couldn’t.

“I guess it was just his time…”

Seungmin was silent and Changbin cursed himself internally for how bad he was at this.

“I know it’s hard to understand but it’s okay because I don’t understand it either.” he answered honestly. “I am grateful though.”

“Why?” Seungmin asked.

“Because I got sent an angel.”

“Where are they?” Seungmin looked around.

Changbin smiled softly.

Seungmin was his angel. The little boy didn’t know how he had come into Changbin’s life and made it shine so much brighter. He had gone from being a nuisance, to a blessing.

“I have no papa.” Seungmin drew back slightly in his arms to look at him. “I don’t like it.”

“I’m sorry.” Changbin frowned sadly.

“Are you my angel?” Seungmin tilted his head, studying Changbin closer.

“Me?” Changbin was shocked.

“My daddy went away so you came to take care of me.” Seungmin tapped his chest. “Are you in disguise?”

“Oh no!” Changbin shook his head. “I’m no angel. It was just a metaphor.”

“Then what are you?” Seungmin asked.

“Uh… a human? I’m Changbin.”

“Are you my new daddy?”

Changbin had never been shot before, but he imagined a bullet piercing his heart would feel the same as this. There was no good answer.

He had spent months with Seungmin, not even knowing himself what exactly he should be to Seungmin. The poor kid was probably just as confused.

“No, I’m not your new daddy. I’m your… guardian.”

“Guardian angel?” Seungmin frowned.

“I’m just regular old me.” Changbin told him. “I’m nothing special. It’s my job to take care of you for a little while and then you can meet your new daddy and have a new family.”

“You come too?” Seungmin placed both his hands on Changbin’s chest.

“I… no. I won’t come too.”

“Why?”

“You’re asking a lot of questions tonight.” Changbin looked away and cleared his throat.

“I wanna go home now…” Seungmin leaned against him again, wrapping his arms around his neck.

“Okay bud…” Changbin felt awful.

First, he had struggled to respond to his dad being dead, then he confused him, and then he told him he would be giving him away. All in a short conversation.

When he put Seungmin in his carseat, he couldn’t pull away. Seungmin wrapped his arms around Changbin’s neck and wouldn’t let go.

“I’m scared.” Seungmin whispered in a trembling voice.

“Why are you scared?” Changbin placed his hands on his sides.

“I don’t want you to go to heaven too.”

“Oh-.” Changbin was seconds away from crying. “I’m right here. I’ve got you.”

“B-But you’re going to leave…”

“Not yet… I’m not going anywhere right now.”

“Before you leave, I have to say goodbye.” Seungmin told him, his arms still holding Changbin tightly. “You can’t leave until I say goodbye.”

“O-Okay. I won’t.”

Changbin knew Seungmin was worried about not being able to say goodbye because he hadn’t been able to tell his father goodbye either.

“I’m not scared anymore.” Seungmin let him go and took a deep breath. He was so brave.

“Are you okay?” Changbin checked, gently touching his face.

“I’m okay.” Seungmin nodded.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad, or scared.” Changbin apologized, feeling awful.

“It’s okay.” Seungmin smiled and pressed his small hands against Changbin’s cheeks.

“Alright…” Changbin nodded. “L-Let’s go home now.”

Changbin felt so guilty and even ashamed. He was ashamed he couldn’t be the guardian angel Seungmin hoped he would be. He wasn’t very competent when it came to raising a child.

He felt drained as they went through their bedtime routine. He felt like he kept falling short when he interacted with Seungmin. He knew in his head he could do better but it felt unattainable.

“I’m ready.” Seungmin held his toothbrush out for Changbin to squeeze the toothpaste on, shaking him out of his head.

“Do you… want me to brush your teeth tonight?” Changbin asked.

He had seen Chan brush Hyunjin’s teeth before, and he knew kids weren’t the best at brushing so they needed some assistance at times.

“Yes please!” Seungmin handed him his toothbrush.

“Tell me if it hurts or if I brush too hard.” Changbin said before starting to brush his teeth carefully. He held Seungmin’s chin in one hand and brushed with the other.

Seungmin stared at him, his eyes running over every detail of his face. Something about it made Changbin feel warm inside. Seungmin trusted him and let him be a part of some of the menial aspects of his life. It was usually a place only a parent could fill, yet Changbin had been plopped down into the role.

He didn’t hate it.

When Changbin got another blanket for their bed because it was getting colder, Seungmin waited for him, grabbing his hand once he was in the room.

“One second bud, I have to put the blanket on first.” Changbin arranged it and then picked Seungmin up, getting into bed with him pressed close against his chest.

He reached over and turned off the light, covering them in a comfortable darkness.

“Binnie…” Seungmin burrowed closer to him under the covers.

“Yeah?” Changbin pet his back gently.

“I love you.”

A million fireworks couldn’t have compared to the way Changbin’s heart lit up. He could hardly believe that Seungmin had even told him that. Was he deserving?

He pressed his nose against Seungmin’s soft hair, his smile too wide to withhold.

“I’m going to sleep now.” Seungmin patted his chest and then lay his head comfortably against Changbin’s arm.

“Kay…” Changbin whispered back, his heart still fluttering wildly.

Maybe the day hadn’t been so terrible after all.

He tried to carry that energy with him heading into the next day. It was the day of his big interview and he was so nervous. The butterflies in his tummy had him unable to focus on much other than anticipating the interview.

He was dropping Seungmin off with Minho while he went to the interview. It was later in the evening, so he hoped he could finish the interview quickly and get Seungmin home and back in bed. It made him laugh to himself where his priorities were.

Seungmin was over the moon excited to be hanging out with Minho, but most importantly Jeongin. Changbin caught a glimpse of the little boy in the living room when he dropped Seungmin off.

When Jeongin spotted Seungmin, he quickly darted off. He was still a bit intimidated by Seungmin, but Changbin had advised him to be gentler so hopefully it was well received. He trusted Minho to facilitate their interactions well.

Now, he had an interview to ace.

Things seemed to go well until the interviewer asked an unexpected question.

“Tell us something interesting or unique that you’ve done.”

Yikes. Changbin honestly froze up.

He wasn’t an interesting person in his eyes. He had cruised through life without a ton of unique experiences. His mind went blank at the question.

“Could you clarify a bit?” he asked to buy some time. “In what area?”

“It can be anything that has stood out to you that you’ve done.”

Immediately Changbin’s mind went to Seungmin. But there was nothing mind blowing or unusual about him. In fact, it was considered normal for most people his age to have a son like Seungmin. But time was wasting and Changbin needed to say something.

“I uh- have some experience with kids.” he wanted to cringe at how it sounded.

“As a teacher… counselor… how so?”

“I was… given a kid to take care of for… about a year.” Changbin tried to be as vague as possible but not make it seem too fake. “It was a crazy experience. I learned a lot about him, his background, his needs. It was stretching but I learned a lot.”

“That’s perfect.” The interviewer seemed pleased. “As you know, the job will require interacting with your team as well as many other people. Having diverse experiences with many people is a skill we look for.”

Changbin nodded, not sure if he had made himself stand out enough.

Closing out the interview, he was told he would be notified later.

“Oh! One more important question I need to ask even though it should be obvious from the job description.”

Changbin raised his head from where he was gathering his things.

“The job requires a lot of traveling. Will you be able to work that into your schedule? You may be abroad for months at a time.”

“Yes, of course. I am prepared.” Changbin nodded.

It was strange.

When Changbin was young and new to the adult world, traveling had seemed like the adventure of the lifetime. If you had asked him just a year earlier, he would have still embraced it wholeheartedly. But now… he felt a sense of unease. He was being held down by something.

It sounded negative, but he was being held back by Seungmin.

As much as he loved the little boy, as he had learned to admit to himself, he didn’t want to stay because of him. Everything in him wanted to finally burst out of the cage and fly. He just couldn’t do so with Seungmin trailing behind.

He felt satisfied with the interview, but unsatisfied with himself. It was a tough place to be.

Minho opened the door for Changbin when he arrived with Seungmin held in his arms. Changbin wondered how he never seemed to make Seungmin a burden.

“Was he good today?” Changbin cringed a little at the stereotypical question that slipped out of his mouth. How many times had he heard another parent say those words?

“He was fantastic.” Minho assured him. “A little less enthusiastic as he got tired, but nothing too bad.”

“Hey bud!” Changbin scratched Seungmin’s back, looking at him from behind Minho. Seungmin turned his face away, hiding it in Minho’s neck.

“I’ll get his shoes on if you hold him.” Changbin took advantage of Seungmin staying in one place. He managed to get one on with minimal struggling, but Seungmin kicked off the other one.

“He’s a little grumpy…” Minho told Changbin as he handed him Seungmin’s shoe again.

“Tired?” Changbin guessed.

“Definitely.”

Minho tried to detach Seungmin from himself so Changbin could take him home. He whined and held onto Minho tighter.

“Come on pup. Time to go home.” Minho patted his back and tried to pull him away again.

“No!” Seungmin’s voice came out sharper than Changbin expected. “Stay here.”

“Aw not today.” Minho smiled at Changbin. “It’s late and you need rest.”

“I can uh, take him.” Changbin slid his hands under Seungmin’s arms and pried him away.

“Papa!”

Seungmin’s hand shot out and grabbed Minho’s shirt tightly.

Minho and Changbin both froze, stunned.

“Stay with papa.” Seungmin persisted.

He grabbed another fistful of Minho’s shirt and used his leverage to pull himself back into his arms. Changbin didn’t stop him as he curled against Minho again.

Minho held his hand up and shared a look with Changbin, communicating in the silence. Something deeper was going on. Changbin had no idea why Seungmin would call him “papa” out of nowhere.

“Let’s go to sleep now pup.” Minho used his hand to guide Seungmin’s head against his shoulder and returned to the couch.

Seungmin settled immediately and lay sleepy and warm against Minho. He waited until Seungmin was close to asleep again before speaking to Changbin.

“I’ll let him fall asleep and then we can transfer him to the car without him knowing.” Minho whispered. “He’s just emotional because he’s tired and it’s been a long day.”

“He called you papa…” Changbin said softly.

He must have looked a little lost standing in the living room so Minho motioned for him to sit.

“It was probably reflex. He wasn’t fully awake.” Minho replied.

Even if it had just been Seungmin speaking in a tired daze, it had still happened and it bothered Changbin a lot.

“Did he cry a lot today?” Changbin asked hesitantly.

“No.” Minho frowned. “Does he cry a lot with you?”

“Sometimes…” Changbin shrugged. “He cries for his dad. It’s kinda hard to comfort him since I’m not… his dad.”

“Poor thing.” Minho murmured.

He gently stroked his hand down Seungmin’s back.

“I think he sees you as his papa now.”

Minho snapped his gaze to him in astonishment.

Changbin ran his hands over his thighs and nodded slightly.

“Why do you think that?”

“He talks about you a lot. Asks about you…” Changbin explained. “When he’s with you it’s like he’s comfortable and relaxed being himself.”

“You’re very in tune to his emotions.” Minho said while he was still processing everything.

“Hardly.” Changbin scoffed. “Maybe I can see what he needs but I can’t give it to him. I think he’s attached to you because you’re gentle. He feels safe around you.”

Changbin observed the two of them cuddled up easily together.

“I wish he wanted to be around me half as much as he wants you.”

“He wants you.” Minho blurted out quickly.

“Not like he wants you.” Changbin countered easily.

He felt self-conscious now he had voiced his slight jealousy. It didn’t make sense that he both wanted Seungmin close, while at the same time was trying to get away. Even in his own mind, things got a bit hazy.

Yes, Seungmin wanted to be close to Changbin, but when he was given a choice between the two, he always chose Minho.

“Maybe that’s a good thing.” Minho replied, watching Changbin carefully. “It will make the transition easier.”

“Yeah, I guess so…”

“Have you gotten a court date yet?” Minho asked.

“No… I just need to file. Send in my forms.” Changbin wondered if Minho thought he was procrastinating. Was he?

“They’ll be ready soon.” he said to assure him. “I will let you know.”

“Sounds good.” Minho nodded. “I think you can take him now.”

He transferred Seungmin to Changbin’s arms carefully. Changbin’s heart ached a little bit again as he had to gently uncurl Seungmin’s fingers from his shirt.

He wasn’t sure if it hurt because he wished Seungmin had the same attachment to him, or because he knew the reason Seungmin felt that way was because Changbin was lacking.

Deep down, he knew that even though Seungmin was attached to him, he loved Minho more. He was comfortable and familiar and safe to Seungmin. More and more every day, Seungmin drifted away from him.

Changbin couldn’t even hate Minho. That’s why he let Minho shower Seungmin with affection. Seungmin needed it.

He could see the way Seungmin tugged on Minho’s sleeve, his eyes begging for attention. He ran to Minho first when he accomplished something. He was only attached to Changbin out of necessity.

That’s why Changbin filed his forms the next day. His court date was the day before he was supposed to leave for his new job. It was a risk. All or nothing.

If Seungmin went to Minho, then he would be off traveling the world the next day. If Seungmin stayed with him, he would have to find some way to change his life, and quick. The truth was that he just couldn’t afford to keep Seungmin any longer. Financially or emotionally.

As if that stress wasn’t enough, Seungmin caught a cold, meaning Changbin had to watch him twenty-four seven.

“Owie.” Seungmin pushed away Changbin’s hand and touched his nose lightly.

It was bright pink and irritated from how much he had been wiping it with tissues.

“You poor thing.” Changbin winced and cuddled him back against his chest.

“Too bright.” Seungmin whined and rubbed his eyes against the TV light.

“Let’s rest in bed.” Changbin turned it off and carried Seungmin to bed.

Laying down didn’t seem to help his cough. He seemed miserable no matter what he did.

Changbin did what he felt was best. He called Jisung to watch him. The boy arrived within a few minutes and Changbin headed out to the store to get anything to help Seungmin.

He came back and relieved Jisung of watching duty since it was getting late. Seungmin was still awake and incredibly fussy.

“It’s okay. I’ll be quick.” Changbin tried to put cream on Seungmin’s tender nose, but he whined and pushed his hands away.

Finally he succeeded and spread the soothing cream on generously. Seungmin lay in bed tiredly, his arm too weak to hold his puppy close to him.

Changbin decided that Seungmin being sick was the worst thing in the entire world. He hated seeing him to drained of energy and lacking his usual spark.

He pushed Seungmin’s sleep shirt up and rubbed medicine into his chest to break up his cough and hopefully let him sleep better.

It didn’t feel like a chore to take care of him. It was something he just needed to do. Wanted to do also.

Seungmin tossed and turned all night, kicked Changbin awake far too many times for him to get any rest either. In the morning, Seungmin’s fever had broken and he seemed better, just tired. Changbin let him sleep in, staying in bed with him.

He smiled when Seungmin yawned and stretched, his bedhead a little crazy.

Seungmin mumbled something unintelligible and burrowed into Changbin’s chest.

“Tired baby.” Changbin grinned.

Seungmin dozed again for half an hour and then woke with a start, head jerking up off of Changbin’s chest and his eyes looking around blearily.

“Did you have a dream?” Changbin asked.

“So many puppies…” Seungmin mumbled and lay his head back on his pillow.

He stared at Changbin for a bit and then reached out to touch Changbin’s forehead with his fingers.

“Am I handsome?” Changbin teased.

“No, you’re Changbin.”

“You’re right.” Changbin reached back and touched his nose.

Seungmin sneezed and then giggled, resuming what he was doing.

“Would you like to travel the world with me?” Changbin murmured.

“Mmm… can I get ice cream?” Seungmin asked.

Changbin smiled at his simplicity as his small finger traced over his nose.

“You wouldn’t be able to go to school though…” Changbin shook his head slightly. “No. You have to go to school. I could never teach you myself. You’re probably already behind.”

“I will go to school!” Seungmin gasped excitedly.

“I don’t know!” Changbin groaned and buried his face in the pillow. “Nothing works when we are together.”

Seungmin wiggled his hand under his jaw and turned his face out of the pillow to see him.

“Can I have a playdate with Jeongin?” he asked hopefully.

“Are you trying to give me a sign?” Changbin sighed and cupped his chin with his hand. “I don’t know what’s best anymore… Can you give me a hint?”

“I want to play with Jeongin.” Seungmin said firmly.

“Not that kind of hint.” Changbin rolled his eyes but tugged Seungmin forward to give him a squeeze. “But okay. You can hang out with him.”

“Tomorrow?” Seungmin asked.

“Mm… tomorrow you were going to play with Hyunjin.” Changbin reminded him.

“Oh… okay maybe later.” Seungmin settled down again.

“You’re just too sweet, everyone wants time with you.” Changbin laughed.

Seungmin was like a magnet. It was hard not to be drawn into his sphere.

Changbin found himself enjoying every moment with the little boy, a happy smile seemingly permanently fixed on his face.

Chan teased him good naturedly about how he was such a different person he could hardly recognize him.

“Let me take a picture of you two.” he offered when they got to the park together.

Changbin handed over his phone and stood next to Seungmin, holding his hand.

“Crouch down!” Chan directed, rolling his eyes.

Changbin crouched down and Seungmin wrapped his arm around his neck. Changbin circled his waist and tucked him closer. Seungmin pressed his cheek against Changbin’s and smiled big.

“Perfect!” Chan snapped a few shots before Hyunjin tried to photobomb. “Very cute.”

“Can we feed the ducks now?” Seungmin tugged on the edge of his coat when he straightened again.

“Here you go.” Changbin handed him a baggie of bread that him and Hyunjin could feed the ducks at the pond with. The two of them ran off to the pond in the middle of the park.

Chan and Changbin followed behind leisurely.

“What’s new in your life?” Chan asked him.

“Well… I got an email this morning.” Changbin replied. “I got the job.”

“What?” Chan gasped excitedly. “No way!”

“It’s the job of a lifetime.” Changbin stared out over the water. “I truly never thought I would get it.”

“I’m really proud of you Changbin.” Chan clapped him on the back.

“It just means I won’t be able to take Seungmin with me…”

“With you? I thought…” Chan frowned. “By that time, your guardianship will have ended.”

Changbin shrugged, watching Seungmin try to throw the pieces of bread farther.

“Are you having second thoughts about giving him up?” Chan put his hand on his arm and pulled him slightly to make eye contact.

Changbin didn’t reply, just stared back at Chan.

“Talk to me Changbin. What’s up?”

“It’s selfish.” Changbin shook his head. “I just think I’ll be lonely. Now I’m used to sharing my day with a little person. Won’t my life feel empty?”

“Personally, I think you’ll be incredibly busy with this job, but yes. Of course it will feel empty. He’s the center of your life right now.” Chan responded.

“I’m giving him up for his sake.” Changbin nodded at the two boys playing. “The only reasons I would keep him are for my own benefit.”

“He _has_ become a normal part of your life.”

“He’s not living his best life though.” Changbin winced admitting it. “He needs someone who can feed into him emotionally as well as just his basic needs. I like having him around for comfort and companionship, but I am terrible at extending those things back to him.”

“Are you willing to learn those skills? Do you want to push yourself to be that person for him?” Chan asked.

“I have been learning. And I honestly do believe I have grown but…it’s not fast enough.” Changbin answered. “Now with this new job, it complicates everything. I couldn’t continue on supporting him if I don’t take it. But if I do take it, he would be on his own. I can’t have a life with two different centers and two vastly different spheres.”

Chan didn’t respond right away. Changbin knew that he was accepting him being right.

“I think you just have to know when to embrace something. And when to let it go.” Chan said quietly.

“Why can’t I do both? I should embrace the time we had together and now… let him go.” Changbin looked at Chan for guidance. “Do you think I’m right?”

Chan gazed at the two boys trying to hand feed the ducks, which obviously wasn’t working. His face was unreadable.

“I can’t tell you what is right.”

“I can’t tell myself what is right either.” Changbin replied. “Please- give me some hint or reassurance because it’s driving me crazy.”

“It’s hard because I love that little kid too.” Chan bit his lip.

Changbin waited for his answer.

“I think it’s time to let him go…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really didn't like how this chapter turned out with how I had to put in a lot of important pieces all crammed together, but the last chapter will bring everything to a nice close! I think it's obvious (unfortunately thanks to Precious lol) what I'm going to do but I'm curious what decision you all think Changbin will make?  
> (Can you tell I am obsessed with going to the park?)


	5. Closure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was super hard for me to write because I was tying up so many strings I should have had finished earlier! Oops! I hope it is everything you hoped for! Anyways, I will let you read and just put notes at the end this time! Enjoy!

“Your court date is coming up. How are you feeling?”

Changbin took a deep breath before answering.

“I keep worrying if I prepared enough… the judge will likely rule in favor of Minho based on what I gave, right?”

“It’s never a hundred percent chance, but I think so.” Felix nodded. “The only issue would be your background in this situation. But now that you have accepted a new job position and have a lifestyle that is less compatible… I would say everything rules in Minho’s favor.”

“That’s good.” Changbin replied even though it honestly didn’t feel very good.

He just wanted to be sure of the outcome even if it made him feel a bit sick to his stomach.

“Has Seungmin been getting familiar with Minho?” Felix asked.

“Yeah, they’re best buddies.” Changbin smiled half-heartedly. “They’re really uncle and nephew but they already seem close enough to be biologically related.”

“That’s very good!” Felix smiled warmly.

Changbin wasn’t sure exactly. He was so glad Seungmin found someone who could play with him, care for him, and wipe his tears in a much better capacity than he could. His own attachment still lingered though.

Seungmin had asked Changbin to let him know when he was leaving. He just couldn’t muster up the courage to let him know.

“I’m an astronaut! In space!” Seungmin jumped on their shared bed. Changbin had never gotten around to getting him his own.

“Can you come back to earth now? Time for a shower.” Changbin opened his arms for Seungmin to fall into.

“Oof-.” Changbin stumbled back a few steps when they collided but held Seungmin securely.

“I want to have ice cream after.” Seungmin whispered in his ear, making it tickle.

“You’re a little ice cream monster.” Changbin set him on the floor. “It looks like you and Jeongin got into mischief today.”

He brushed his thumb over a marker mark on Seungmin’s cheek.

“Uh huh. We had peanut butter and honey sandwiches!” Seungmin grabbed onto Changbin’s arm excitedly. “Did you know you can do that?”

“I didn’t know that.” Changbin played along. Even Minho’s sandwich combo choices fit Seungmin better.

“What did you do today?” Seungmin asked as he struggled to get his shirt over his head.

“Nothing much.” Changbin shrugged and helped him. Meeting with Felix for the last time wasn’t something he wanted to talk about.

“I pushed Jeongin on the swings in the backyard. I am so strong!” Seungmin flexed his nonexistent muscles, making Changbin laugh.

“Cutie.” Changbin murmured, leaning down to kiss his forehead.

He took his time rubbing shampoo into Seungmin’s hair. He would miss their simple routines together. It was nice to have a little person underfoot.

He swaddled Seungmin up in a towel and held him hostage while attacking him with kisses.

The old Changbin would never have kissed Seungmin. Now, he couldn’t get enough of the sweet little boy.

“You know, you’re sweeter than honey to me.” Changbin pulled back to look at him. “No one will ever hear me say that except you.”

Seungmin just giggled and tried to wiggle out of his towel burrito.

“Blow dry first? Or ice cream?”

“Ice cream!”

“I thought so.” Changbin grinned and helped him into his pajamas.

Changbin was having a hard time imagining Seungmin not being there. It felt surreal. Surely it wouldn’t actually be that bad, right?

“I have a question.” Seungmin whispered to him in the dark of their bedroom.

“You should be sleeping.” Changbin murmured.

“But I have a question.” Seungmin patted his arm.

“Okay, go ahead.”

“When do I get my new daddy?”

“Um…” Changbin tried to make out his face in the dark. “Why do you ask?”

“You said I will get a new daddy soon.” Seungmin responded.

“Oh yeah… soon.” Changbin replied. “Soon.”

Why did his question make Changbin feel so depressed?

He hoped with all of his heart that Seungmin would be okay with Minho being his dad. Not just then, but years down the road.

The day before the court date, Changbin brought Seungmin to Minho’s. If for some reason the guardianship held, then he wouldn’t see Seungmin for a while since they would have to travel together.

Changbin felt at peace watching them interact. Jeongin included.

Minho approached Changbin while they watched the two little boys play in the yard.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Minho asked him. “I see the way you feel about him. You really love him.”

In the beginning, Changbin would have denied it, but now there was no denying it.

“I believe I was meant to have him.” Changbin nodded. “But only for a time. He fit perfectly into my life, even if it didn’t feel like it, for the right amount of time. Everything has lined up for both me and him to move ahead now.”

“Won’t it be hard for you?”

“Of course.” Changbin admitted. “Yeah, I love that kid. But… sometimes someone comes into your life and makes you a better person and then… you have to let them move on.”

Minho stayed quiet, probably feeling conflicted like Changbin had felt.

“Hey. I’m at peace with my decision.” Changbin told him. “I know what he needs now is a real family, and a little brother he adores, and a place to grow and thrive. You can provide that. I can’t.”

“You’re really selfless, you know that?” Minho gazed at him with something like respect.

“No I’m not.”

The new Changbin thought twice about his statement. Old Changbin was selfish. New Changbin was selfless. It was true and even Minho could see it.

“We’ll see what happens in court.” Minho replied. “I guess that will be our final decider. What’s meant to happen will happen.”

“Thanks for all you’ve done for him. And for me.” Changbin told him. “It means a lot.”

“No need to thank me. I should be the one thanking you.”

“End of tomorrow he will be yours.” Changbin took a deep breath.

“Yeah…”

“I’ll be off traveling the world but I’ll visit every so often.” Changbin stretched and stood. “I can’t say goodbye forever.”

“You’re always welcome.” Minho replied kindly.

“We should probably go now. I still have things to pack.” Changbin looked around for Seungmin. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Sounds good.” Minho reached his hand out to Changbin.

When he clasped it, Minho pulled him into a hug. Changbin returned the embrace firmly. He knew what he was doing was worth it.

He didn’t pack when they got home. He would rather spend time with Seungmin.

The two of them sat on the floor drawing. Whatever Seungmin felt like.

“You like drawing, don’t you?” Changbin reached out to brush his fingers through Seungmin’s hair. It was getting long. Minho would have to cut it.

Next to Seungmin was his puppy that Changbin had gotten for him. It made him smile fondly.

“Tomorrow, you’re going to play with Hyunjin for a little bit, okay?” Changbin told him.

“Okay.”

Changbin lay on his back and scooted over so he could look up at Seungmin.

“Hey, hey-.” he stopped him from trying to draw on his face with a marker. “Just let me look at you for a minute.”

Seungmin kept on drawing, his face set in an adorably focused expression.

Changbin traced over his soft cheeks, brown eyes and petite nose. He had this nagging fear that if he didn’t memorize every little thing about Seungmin, he might forget.

“You make me want to change my mind…” Changbin murmured.

He reached up and traced his finger along Seungmin’s cheek.

“Where is blue…” Seungmin searched around before finding it and handing it to Changbin to uncap for him.

A lot of unsaid thoughts swirled in Changbin’s mind. Mostly just a refusal to tell Seungmin. He had inadvertently told him at the park that one night, but he had yet to tell Seungmin the full truth. He was running out of time and yet he couldn’t. The last moments should be happy moments.

“Are you sleepy?” he asked when Seungmin yawned.

“I’m not finished.” Seungmin replied.

“Don’t worry you can finish.”

Changbin sat up again and looked at the picture he had drawn.

“Is that you and Minho?”

“No. It’s you and me.” Seungmin pointed to Changbin and then himself.

“What are we doing?” Changbin murmured.

“Eating pizza… and going to the park. With my puppy.” Seungmin pointed to the puppy doodled next to him.

“I like our life.” Seungmin pressed his nose against Seungmin’s hair. “It’s so happy.”

“I’m done now.” Seungmin put aside his last marker and held up his drawing. “This is for you.”

“For me?” Changbin asked in a surprised voice.

“Yes! I drew it for you.” Seungmin handed it to him.

“Thanks my little puppy. I love it!” Changbin hugged him close.

“Now I’m sleepy.” Seungmin rubbed his eyes tiredly.

“Okay, let’s go to bed.”

Changbin walked through their bedtime routine feeling deeply tired. He was starting to doubt more and more by the second.

Lying in bed next to him brought up something so raw and painful, Changbin had to move away. He went to the small balcony his apartment had, tears burning hot down his face.

He felt so lost, he did what he usually did. He called Chan.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“Chan- I don’t know what to do because I can’t go through with this!”

Changbin sank down until he was sitting on the ground, his back against the door.

“Oh…” Chan probably was not expecting that.

“I know I’m crazy but- I made a mistake.”

Chan was silent in response.

“I love him so much.”

“I know you do.” Chan replied gently.

“I know he will be fine, but what about me? I don’t think I can do it!” Changbin wiped his eyes with his sleeve.

“It’s so hard…” Chan affirmed his emotions.

“Do you think I can go back? Can I call it all off?”

“I-I don’t know. You could try?” Chan sounded unsure.

“Why did I ever try to send him away? I always wanted to keep him.” Changbin sobbed.

He knew he was being emotional in the moment. In all honesty, he hadn’t wanted Seungmin in the start. But now he couldn’t bear to give him up.

“I’m so sorry Changbin… I should have been there for you more.”

“No…” Changbin took a deep breath. “I couldn’t have done it without you. You’ve helped me so much.”

“Have you talked to Minho about how you are feeling?” Chan asked.

“Y-Yeah, but when we talked, I felt so much more confident. I’ve felt sure all the way until now!”

“It’s normal.” Chan assured him. “It’s the night before, and it’s late, and you’re just dealing with a lot.”

“Tell me what I should do.”

“Changbin… I can’t do that.”

“Please Chan, just help me make sense of all of this. Why do I feel so confused?” Changbin begged.

“Because you love him and true love is always complicated.” was his answer.

“I wish I never loved him.”

“Don’t say that. Loving him was the best thing to ever happen to you.” Chan responded. “It’s so hard because it was so good.”

“If I keep him, my life will be hard. If I give him away, my life will still be hard. I don’t want to choose!” Changbin sniffled.

“You’ve already made your decision…”

“What if I want to change my decision?” Changbin asked desperately. “I want to take it back!”

“If that’s what you want, then you can try.” Chan finally told him. “You’re not in the best position, but you can fight for him.”

“I want to do what’s best for him.” Changbin said weakly.

“What is your heart telling you?”

“That what’s best for him and what I want are two different things.” Changbin pressed his forehead against his knees.

“It’s a hard decision… I can’t make it for you.”

“Can I be selfish?” Changbin asked.

“You don’t have to ask me permission.” Chan answered. “As hard as it is, it’s all up to you now. You can go through with it, or try to stop it. It’s all your decision.”

“Okay.” Changbin said tiredly. “I’ve been so selfless this whole time… I can be selfish just once, right?”

“Just make sure Minho knows before tomorrow.”

“Okay.”

\--

Changbin walked out of the courtroom feeling calm. It had been a crazy few hours before the judge but it was all over. It felt like a weight had been lifted from his chest.

He got in his car and headed to Chan’s to pick Seungmin up.

“Do you want to stop by the store?” Changbin asked Seungmin as they drove home.

“Yeah!” Seungmin loved the store.

Changbin let him wander around to his heart’s content, occasionally putting something in his cart that he would like.

“Oo, what about this?” Changbin grabbed a kid’s photo album from the shelf. “Do you want this?”

“What is it?’ Seungmin flipped through it curiously.

“It’s a book that you put pictures in.” Changbin explained. “To remember things.”

“Can I get it?” Seungmin looked up at him.

“Sure!” Changbin tapped his nose. “I think it will be cool to have where you are going!”

Next they stopped by the clothes section and got Seungmin shoes and a new fluffy jacket and even a cute hat.

Changbin lingered at the end of an aisle where they were selling baggage tag holders. They came in pairs, one normal sized one and one smaller sized one. Changbin picked one Seungmin would like and added it to the cart.

The last place they stopped was at the photo station. Changbin printed something from his phone and then they were off.

He fed Seungmin dinner once they were home and then gave Seungmin a task.

“We’re going on a trip tomorrow.” Changbin told him. “I need you to pack all of your stuff into your suitcase, okay? If you need help with something, let me know.”

“Okay!” Seungmin bounced excitedly.

Changbin smiled and rumpled his hair. While he went off to collect his things, Changbin sat down at the table with a piece of paper. He wrote some things down and folded it into a neat square.

“I’m all done!” Seungmin came back to him after a while.

“Okay, let’s go check.” Changbin held his hand as they went around the apartment and made sure he hadn’t forgotten anything.

His suitcase was jammed packed, so Changbin took out some of the clothes that were getting too small for him and packed the new clothes he had bought.

When they were all done, Changbin packed his own suitcase. It took a little longer than he had anticipated which meant it was getting late when he finished. At the very end, he placed the picture Seungmin had drawn for him on top so it wasn’t wrinkled.

“Are you sleepy?” he asked Seungmin who was yawning into his puppy plushie.

“No!” Seungmin grinned.

“Come here.” Changbin brought him to the living room and put their suitcases side by side. Seungmin sat on the floor next to him.

Changbin pulled out the baggage tags he had bought and neatly printed his name, and then Seungmin’s.

“Do you want to draw on it?” Changbin offered him the pen.

Seungmin took it eagerly and doodled a little puppy on the corner of his. His tongue poked out in concentration.

“Wait!” Seungmin reached for Changbin’s tag. “I want to do yours too!”

Changbin smiled fondly at him as he completed personalizing the tags.

“Do you know what these mean?” Changbin asked, as he fastened them onto their suitcases.

“No. What?”

“They mean we are going on an adventure.” Changbin told him. “We don’t know what’s going to happen, but we are going to be brave and excited!”

“Yes!” Seungmin raised his fist in the air.

“I have one more gift before you go to bed.” Changbin smiled and kissed his forehead before getting up.

He sat cross-legged on the floor with Seungmin in his lap.

“This is for you to make memories with.” Changbin held the photobook on Seungmin’s lap. “Wherever you go or whatever you do, I want you to make a story with it. Even if somedays, it’s difficult or tiring.”

“Okay.” Seungmin nodded.

“I may not be the best at having my life together but… I want you to be happy. No matter what happens.” Changbin hugged him gently.

“I will be!” Seungmin wiggled excitedly in his lap.

Changbin opened the first page of the photobook.

Inside the first slot was the picture Chan had taken of Seungmin and him at the park. Seungmin giggled happily upon seeing it.

“This is going to be your adventure book, but I want to be a part of it too, okay?” Changbin leaned his head down to peek at his face.

“Okay!”

“Things are going to be hard sometimes.” Changbin told him more seriously. “Sometimes life doesn’t go as planned, but we take it slow as we go, right?”

Seungmin nodded again, touching the photo gently.

“Alrighty!” Changbin put the photobook in Seungmin’s suitcase for later. “Let’s go on our adventure!”

He put all their luggage in his car and double checked everything was locked up.

“I’m ready to go.” Seungmin told him.

“Okay, shoes first!” Changbin reminded him.

“Where are we going?” Seungmin asked.

Changbin crouched down in front of him and looked him directly in the eyes.

“I’m taking you to go see Minho. I-Is that okay?”

“Uh huh!” Seungmin nodded enthusiastically.

“You’ll have much more fun adventuring with them than tagging along with me.” Changbin smiled at him.

“Jeongin is not very brave, but I will teach him!” Seungmin gave him a thumbs up.

Changbin’s heart ached watching Seungmin strap on his shoes. The apartment had already been cleared of all traces of him, everything packed away in the car. It already felt empty and bare without his presence splashing colorful energy everywhere.

“Ready!” Seungmin popped up and held his hand out for Changbin to hold.

It was late. Changbin hoped that Seungmin would fall asleep on the way there so the moment of parting would happen quietly.

He slipped his hand into Seungmin’s, taking a moment to savor the feeling a bit more than usual. He remembered when Seungmin had first tried to hold his hand and he had drawn away. He had come so far since then.

Changbin stalled a little while buckling Seungmin into his carseat. He used to struggle with the clasp but now he knew just how to get it to fit snugly.

Seungmin rubbed his eyes sleepily as Changbin reached past him to retrieve his plushie.

“You can fall asleep bud.” he murmured and pressed his puppy dog plushie into his arms.

It was the first thing Changbin had bought for Seungmin because he cared, not out of obligation.

Seungmin blinked up at him tiredly with those soft brown eyes that had melted Changbin down to the very core. Changbin brushed aside his bangs gently and admired the sleepy smile he gave him.

Changbin lingered just a minute longer, fiercely trying to memorize every last detail of Seungmin’s face. He knew it would change over time. He would lose his baby fat and his eyes would grow older, but Changbin wanted to capture the moment of him being his.

“G’night Binnie…” Seungmin murmured.

“Goodnight puppy.” Changbin whispered back and leaned forward to press a kiss against his forehead.

His lips lingered for a moment on his soft, warm skin so he could smell the shampoo that Changbin had bought especially for him. It felt like ages ago he had struggled to meet basic needs. He would never have to worry about that again.

Then they were on the road.

“I uh…” Changbin cleared his throat and then checked to make sure Seungmin hadn’t woken up. “I know you won’t remember any of this but… I was never good with words so this is the best I’ve got.”

He waited a full minute before continuing.

“I made a lot of mistakes with you, especially in the beginning, but you were always the best kid ever. I really don’t know how you survived me.” Changbin laughed lightly. “You taught me a lot. How to make kid food, how to make a schedule, how to play… I really loved all of it.”

Changbin smiled as he reminisced.

“I liked going to the park with you, and getting ice cream. I haven’t done those things in a long time.” he glanced back in the mirror to see Seungmin was still asleep. “I know I pretended like I didn’t like sleeping with you but… those are my favorite memories.”

Changbin’s voice caught a little at the end so he stopped and shook his head. He didn’t want to get emotional.

He continued a minute later because there were more things he wanted to say.

“I hated when you cried. I hated when you were sad. I wasn’t the best at comforting you, but I tried my best because I didn’t want you to hurt.” Changbin’s voice raised in volume just a tiny bit as if he was actually talking to Seungmin.

“You’re really brave… the bravest person I know. I’m proud of you for being so strong even when you’re so little.” Changbin stared at him in the mirror for a long time. “You made me laugh and smile… and you will make someone else laugh and smile in the future.”

He took a deep breath for his apology.

“I know you wanted to say goodbye to me before I left. I’m breaking that promise… but it’s only because I won’t be gone forever like your dad. I promise I’ll come visit you sometimes. We can be… friends. I’ll be your guardian angel, and you can be mine.”

Changbin was starting to feel choked up with complicated feelings again, so he decided he should stop.

“When I come visit you, will you… hold my hand?”

Changbin waited for a response that wouldn’t come.

“I just want to hold your hand one more time.”

He trailed off, knowing that he should stop there.

He drove the rest of the way in silence, not even looking back at Seungmin once.

When he drove up to the house, Minho walked out to greet him. They worked together to bring in Seungmin’s things before handing him off.

Changbin unbuckled him carefully, moving his arms through the straps slowly so he didn’t wake up. He lifted Seungmin into his arms like he had a hundred times before. This time his weight felt fleeting.

Changbin passed him over to Minho too fast.

Minho cried.

Changbin watched him hold Seungmin close with tears sliding down his face. He vaguely wondered if he was capable of crying. His heart felt like it was leaving with the sleeping little boy.

“Thank you.” Minho whispered.

Changbin nodded.

“Do you want me to bring in his carseat?” Changbin asked.

“No, I already have one.” Minho gave him a teary smile.

“Don’t forget his puppy.” Changbin handed the soft toy to Minho.

Silence stretched between them for a moment and Changbin realized it was time to go.

“Call me if you need anything.” Changbin told him. “I’ll probably be back next month sometime…”

“Okay.” Minho nodded.

On impulse, Changbin reached out and slipped his hand into Seungmin’s smaller one. He lightly ran his thumb over Seungmin’s limp hand for a moment and then let go.

“Goodbye puppy.” he whispered.

He stepped away and watched Minho walk back to the house. Once he was inside, he got in his car and pulled out of the driveway. It felt like he had already driven halfway home before he finally took a breath.

He knew deep down he had done the right thing, but it still hurt. It still made him feel lonely. He gritted his teeth hard to keep back the tears.

Maybe it was leftover instinct, but he glanced in the rearview mirror and was met with an empty carseat. It was probably still warm with Seungmin’s body heat.

A few stickers dotted the straps and there was a small ice cream stain on the side. Hundreds of memories suddenly flooded Changbin.

Their park days, ice cream dates, and trips to the store. When Changbin had accidentally taught him a curse word. Cartoons in the morning when Seungmin was all warm and sleepy. All the times he had driven to Chan’s house for help. The night Seungmin had told him he loved him.

Changbin had never said it back.

Did he know?

Changbin prayed that he knew. He prayed that Seungmin knew how much he loved him by all the times he had held him when he cried, rocked him to sleep, and kissed his forehead.

He didn’t cry. He still wasn’t ready for that. But it hurt.

It felt like Seungmin had taken his heart over the past few months. Every time he smiled, or laughed, Changbin gave him a little more of his heart and didn’t expect it back.

Chan’s words rose to the forefront of his mind.

_He’s loves you Bin... Isn’t that all you could ask for?_

Changbin nodded to himself. That was enough. It would be enough.

Even though Seungmin was gone, Changbin would never forget him.

He would never stop loving him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I knew from the moment I started writing this, that this would be the end. I honestly felt okay with it until I wrote it. This final scene took 3 hours and I never got around to editing it because I was super emotional. This is the first time I have cried writing a scene. I don’t know how it will hit some of you, but I hope it carries all of Changbin’s love. I’ve never written a character so deeply invested in another character’s life, so this is an accomplishment for me. Even though Changbin seemed so unemotional at times, he has great capacity to love. That’s ultimately what allowed him to sacrifice his own desires for Seungmin.   
> I truly do feel bad for most of my readers, since you asked me so many times for Seungmin to please stay with Changbin. I was so tempted to change things at the very end, but I couldn’t. It was just meant to be.  
> I think we’ve all had people in our lives that were there for a season and then gone. Even though the leaving hurts, the time together should be treasured. A quote that resonated with me is from C.S. Lewis, “The pain now is part of the happiness then.” This is life and it should be embraced. This is really what I went for with this story. I hope you can treasure it in your heart as well!  
> -Soojin

**Author's Note:**

> I would be absolutely thrilled if you let me know what you think! It's so sad I have to say this since it means I probably failed the first chapter but... it will get better I promise, the first chapter is just so slow! I'm setting up some dilemmas early on so we can resolve them! Have a Merry Christmas everyone!  
> -Soojin


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